Spring 2014
Interior: An Undisclosed DC Location
Speaker 1: Gentlemen and ladies, I know you're wondering why I have gathered you all here today. Well, just got a crazy idea. You know how the GOP is always claiming that Obamacare is a Trojan Horse? No, I don't get how the metaphor is supposed to fit either, do they mean dead horse maybe or...dunno, doesn't matter. Lock the door...Hear me out. What if we were to really do that Trojan Horse thing? No no, don't laugh. We get our inside guys to recruit a real character who's kinda dumb but craves attention more than anything else. We figure out just what he needs to say in order to win the nomination. Once every Republican endorses the guy, we design a campaign that makes sure there's no way he'd get the votes to beat Hillary. Gotta be someone who doesn't know a lot about...well, anything...and has nothing to lose either way. He needs to be totally without honor and completely unprincipled, but too arrogant to know his own character flaws. He needs to embody, and amplify, everything people hated about Mitt. That whole "paying for college was hard for me, too, I even had to cash in some stock options," and the "my job is not to worry about the 47%" bit, and we'll definitely need something ball-retractingly astonishing to top that "binders full of women" disaster. You know, the kind of shitcan royalty poseur that's born on third base but swaggers around telling everybody he hit a triple -- the kind of all money/no class assmunch that would gold plate his dick if he could. Nah, not Eastwood, they won't go for another actor, anyway he's coming unhinged in his old age, poor guy, that chair thing was wackadoodle, I dunno if we can sell that. But good track, good track -- something LIKE an actor. Who's available that has nothing else to do for the next year and a half...?
Later that year...
Trump: "Nominate me! What's great about me is, I'm very very rich and I married a beautiful piece of ass! I'm going to build a wall and Mexico is going to pay for it! Nobody builds walls better than me, believe me!"
Crowd: "Yay! We need a bizzuz mayan! And a wall! Wall, wall, wall!" Puppet Masters: "Excellent, they're buying it. He's in. Now to systematically destroy the GOP from within, muah ha ha ha--" Trump: "Thanks for the nomination! Mexicans are rapists!" Crowd: "Fuck them! Clean my hotel room, bitch!" Puppet Masters: "--MUAH ha ha...wait, what? Wow, are people actually sup--" Crowd: "Shoot them if they try to cross the border!" Puppet Masters: "Fer cryin' out loud, really? Quick, leak the Melania speech, do we have the side-by-side ready? Do it." |
Emails! Benghazi!" Puppet Masters: "Great, now we should start to see--wait, he's UP? CNN did the side-by-side? What's with these people man?" Trump: "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I still wouldn't lose any votes, okay? Believe me." Crowd: "Guns! Guns! Guns! Bizzuz mayan! Emails!" Puppet Masters: "Let's...uh...let's move on. What are we up to, the Career Politicians Suck section? What did he like better, Slippery Hillary or Minion Clinton? He wants to call her what? That's so lame, it doesn't even...fine, let him go with that. Jesus Christ, I need a drink." Trump: "Crooked Hillary! Crooked Hillary lies! I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me! ISIS. Benghazi! Emails! Crooked Hillary!" Crowd: "Lock her up! Hang the bitch!" Puppet Masters: "This is either going really well or really badly, I can't even tell at this point. Time to do the Republican That Both Parties Respect fiasco. It's all set? He's on the morning shows? Here we go. This is the clincher, I can feel it." Trump: "John McCain is only a war hero because he got caught. I like people who don't get caught, okay?" Crowd: "He means what he says! He says what he means!" Puppet Masters: "...thought for sure that would...well, what do we have in place for this? Get a task force together, we need some totally unforgiveable, truly heinous insults to the troops. Work on that for later, but let's just stick to the next thing on the list." Trump: "The 2nd Amendment people can stop Hillary!" Puppet Masters: "Did he just tell people to shoot Mrs. C? Go to Orange Alert, he's off script. Orange Alert, Orange Alert! Broken Arrow!" Crowd: "He means what he says! He says what he means!" Puppet Masters: "He just told people to shoot Hillary and people are still--" Crowd: "He didn't mean that!" Puppet Masters: "Triple her bodyguards. Jesus, you'd think after Congresswoman Giffords...yeah, that phone is going to ring and it's going to be for me. I'll take Bill's call in the ready room. Let's just stick to the plan, time to rile up the God Squad. Who said yes to the VP spot for this clown? Trot him out -- wait, can he be carrying a bible? Right, too far. Let's just see what he does on his own." Pence: "I'm a lawyer. I make laws. We need the truth to be taught in schools. The earth is ten thousand years old. A huge bearded white guy in the sky took a rib from Adam while he was asleep and magically turned it into a mate he named Eve, and they lived naked in a garden, but there was this snake and Eve was a woman so of course she doesn't know what she's doing so she ate an apple and made Adam take a bite which ruined everything and that's why women are bad, and they did sex and all their kids did incest because nobody else was around to have sex with, but we don't talk about that, we just call it "the begats part" of the bible and it's really long so none of us read it. Then Jesus, he was definitely blond and blue-eyed even though he was a Jew in the Middle East, he said nice things so he had to get crucified and that's why we hang up this bloody dead likeness on a cross everywhere and give children nightmares while we lecture about how we want to ban violence, but anyway, HE died, because of sin, but we still have sin, and women are bad, except Mary because she was a virgin, but now on the Jesus fake birthday we kill a tree and bring it in the house and put lights on it and I got a new Xbox, and on his death day you don't eat meat unless you really want to, then we hide boiled eggs in the yard and there's this rabbit." Puppet Masters."I love him. Don't change a thing. How are the numbers? Hm, that's still a lot of women. Weird. Hit 'em harder, I guess." Trump: "NO FAT CHICKS! She's ugly! She's even uglier! He's even fatter than she is! My fingers are long! My cock is long, too! I'm rich! Emails! Benghazi!" Puppet Masters: "First thing in the morning, do the Birth Certificate Denial one. Tell him not to blow it." Trump: "Crooked Hillary started the birther movement, not me. Sidney Blumenthal. But maybe I did. But she did. But maybe I did. Muslims. Black people. I totally did." Puppet Masters: "...'the fuck was that?" Crowd: "If it ain't white, it ain't right! Obama is black and gay! And a Muslim! He's a black gay Muslim born in Kenya!" Trump: "I am very proud that Obama produced his birth certificate because of me! I did that! But it wasn't me! Crooked Hillary started it. Emails. Benghazi. Believe me! Wall!" Mexico: "We're not paying for a wall." Trump: "Mexico is paying for the wall!" Mexico: "We're definitely not ever paying for a wall." Trump: "I went there and we talked but we didn't talk about the wall." Mexico: "We told him that we're not paying for a wall." Crowd: "Wall! Wall! Wall! Hillary has murdered thousands of people with her bare hands! Michelle Obama is a man!" Puppet Masters: "...uh, guys? Nobody can ever find out about this. What now? We canceled the dwarf tossing -- what about sponsoring dog fights? Oh right, that's been done and nobody cared. Kosovaleski has arthrogryposis!? Fantastic. THIS is the clincher, I am sure this time." Trump:
Crowd: "That didn't happen and even if it did, Benghazi and emails and Muslims. And gays. CAKE. GAY CAKE."
Puppet Masters: "We may have underestimated the national douchebag level. Emergency meeting tonight, 2am, same place. Make sure you're not followed. The password is "Pussy Willow." Yeah PUSSY, it's a whole thing, somebody get the password to that Billy Bush jerk. No, you'll have to wait, it's one of the tapes. THE tapes. You'll see. Howard Stern is bringing the pizza, and all the tapes. Strap in, shit's about to get intense."
Disclaimer:
There is no way in the world this would happen, because Howard Stern almost definitely does not eat pizza.💩
