Enter Your First Name (to see if I blog about you)

Oct 8, 2016

Dear Donald Trump: Thank You!

Hey, Women,

Hi, how ya doing? So yesterday was weird, right? Two days before the second Presidential debate, an old tape surfaced that shows the Republican nominee bragging about how he forcefully gropes and kisses any woman that he finds attractive, married or not. Then the internet exploded.

Why this latest pile of word vomit is worse than any other in his relentless spew, I couldn't say. Same shit, different day with this clown, innit? Why this time? Mitt Romney got creamed in 2012 just for saying he had "binders full of women," when all he meant was he'd collected the curriculum vitae of many women qualified for top jobs.

Whatever the reason that this particular remark is the dealbreaker, all women should be thanking Donald Trump. Because in terms of advancing women's rights here on starship Earth, it's as though this toxic gasbag has pierced a previously impenetrable force field and opened up a wormhole throwing us about 30,000 light years closer to normal space. He pushed and shoved and blundered his way into creating the biggest stage in the world, and boy, did he ever use it yesterday. Outstanding. Where's Anita Hill? Having a goddamn party, I hope. Solidarity, sister.

But ladies, the problem is that Donald Trump is not the problem.

Donald Trump is merely the walking, talking end result of what we do to our girls, beginning with a well-meaning but outdated princess culture when they're little. When do they find out there's no Prince Charming? How many frogs do they have to kiss? When is the right time to tell them that learning to walk in those high-heeled glass slippers is fine, but you're also going to need some sturdy, ass-kicking boots.

Twenty years ago, Alicia Machado was the first Miss Universe after Trump bought the franchise. The worst part of the whole scuttlebutt over his "Miss Piggy" and "Miss Housekeeping" comments is that he's not wrong about the basic fundamental issue at hand. It pains me to say it. But any person gets any job based on qualifications. They don't let you go to law school unless you meet the required score on the LSATS, they don't let you be a lawyer unless you score on the bar exam, and once you pass the bar you still have to apply for the job and jump through hoops before you beat out the other candidates. So young Miss Machado had jumped through all the hoops and landed the "job" of being Miss Universe for her high-scoring physical attributes. Trump's cruel, racist insults and televised humiliation of this poor kid when she got fat were shamefully unforgiveable, and his Tweets last week demonstrated a person who is sick and obsessive, a worriesome trait in anyone, let alone the leader of the free world. While I feel badly this woman has endured needlessly public embarrassment, the real tragedy is that we're still holding beauty contests at all.

How is this still a thing?

Women have come so far thanks to all of our trailblazing forebears that have been fighting for the past 200 years, yet every advancement gets sent five steps back when a row of women line up on TV to be rated based on which one looks best in a swimsuit. This man, and all men of his ilk, are only evidence of a much bigger, ongoing and ingrained cultural sickness, and it's on us, gals.

Women have the power to end the ridiculous institution of the beauty contest tomorrow. Don't treat it as some honored tradition or pretend it's any kind of humanitarian project. Don't participate in a franchise where you're putting money into the pockets of sleazeballs by competing with other women based on looks. When the centerpiece of the show is to strip to your swimsuit and parade around to be rated by what jiggles where, that's when you're granting permission for the Trumps of the world to examine every inch of your body and rate you, and that means they're rating all of us.

If you win, you lose for all of us. If you lose, how do you feel now? What value did the Trumps of the world ascribe to you? Are you a seven? Eight? What bits are you going to tape down or push up next time to please him and all the other men like him? Will you whiten your teeth and inject collagen into your lips to earn that Ten?

Stop competing in beauty contests.

Beauty pageants are just one of the ways that women willingly help support a culture that rates us from 1 to 10, as a piece of ass, arm candy, trophy wives, pussy you can grab anytime you want it. If every female in the country were to wake up tomorrow and quit whatever beauty pageant circuit they're in right now, that's the end of that shit. You're beautiful, yes, everyone appreciates your lovely face, we are all very happy that you won the DNA lottery. But why is it a contest? We need to do better for ourselves right now, and we need to do better for future generations.

Related: Here She Comes, Miss America