Oct 28, 2016

[Downtown Crossing, Boston]
Interior, Awesome Inc.
Software developer sits behind writer.
Both are thinking, "How can they do that all day long?" and sigh.
Cue swirly music.
Realizing they've exchanged bodies, they say,
 "Oh fuck. Call everybody and tell them what happened."
"Yeah we don't have time for this. We'll deal with this shit later."
"I just filed a new bug."
"I just closed it."
They high five and go back to work.
Fin.

From the blogger known as 
"Low Budget $uperher0" 

Freaky Friday 2017: The Start Up

Oct 23, 2016

Love, Dorkface

---------- message ----------
From: Michelle
Date: Sun, Oct 23, 2016 at 7:47 PM
Subject: Birthday
To: Jenny

Today I got you a birthday card. In about 3.5 weeks, I'll forget that I did that. I'll remember the day before your birthday, then I'll search frantically for the card, but won't find it in the "safekeeping" place where I cleverly hid it from myself. I'll find it sometime in December, at which point I'll put it aside to mail with a joke scrawled inside about "better late than never, har har." Every time I remember to mail that, I'll forget where it is, then when I find it, I won't have stamps. When I move, I'll find the card, along with your 2015 birthday card that had gone through all these same phases, too.

Love,

Dorkface

One Please

Taking myself out for a late lunch at Osaka in Brookline.
Sushi is gorgeous.

Hunterpants

Hunterpants:
when you shuck yer baseball pants above the knees like Hunter Pence.

Why he do this.
It's so weird.

Oct 14, 2016

Saturday with Sunday with George

I bought a cheap ticket to see Sunday in the Park with George tomorrow.
I don't go to the theatre enough anymore.

Oct 12, 2016

Trump voters should go vote on November 28th.

That'd be great. Do that.


At first I couldn't understand why or how Trump's people could possibly let him get on stage and tell his supporters that it is very very important that they get out and vote on NOVEMBER 28TH.

Then I saw this Hillary ad. The 28 is the biggest thing, and Trump does not read, and Trump has the attention span of a sugar-torqued toddler. He probably saw "Vote" and "28" and went with that, because he has just the best brain. Yuge.

Also, the sentence structure and punctuation top left of this ad is killing me.∎

Oct 11, 2016

Operation: Trojan Horse's Ass


Spring 2014

Interior: An Undisclosed DC Location Speaker 1: Gentlemen and ladies, I know you're wondering why I have gathered you all here today. Well, just got a crazy idea. You know how the GOP is always claiming that Obamacare is a Trojan Horse? No, I don't get how the metaphor is supposed to fit either, do they mean dead horse maybe or...dunno, doesn't matter. Lock the door...



Hear me out. What if we were to really do that Trojan Horse thing? No no, don't laugh. We get our inside guys to recruit a real character who's kinda dumb but craves attention more than anything else. We figure out just what he needs to say in order to win the nomination. Once every Republican endorses the guy, we design a campaign that makes sure there's no way he'd get the votes to beat Hillary. Gotta be someone who doesn't know a lot about...well, anything...and has nothing to lose either way. He needs to be totally without honor and completely unprincipled, but too arrogant to know his own character flaws. He needs to embody, and amplify, everything people hated about Mitt. That whole "paying for college was hard for me, too, I even had to cash in some stock options," and the "my job is not to worry about the 47%" bit, and we'll definitely need something ball-retractingly astonishing to top that "binders full of women" disaster. You know, the kind of shitcan royalty poseur that's born on third base but swaggers around telling everybody he hit a triple -- the kind of all money/no class assmunch that would gold plate his dick if he could. Nah, not Eastwood, they won't go for another actor, anyway he's coming unhinged in his old age, poor guy, that chair thing was wackadoodle, I dunno if we can sell that. But good track, good track -- something LIKE an actor. Who's available that has nothing else to do for the next year and a half...?


Later that year...

June 2014

Trump: "Nominate me! What's great about me is, I'm very very rich and I married a beautiful piece of ass! I'm going to build a wall and Mexico is going to pay for it! Nobody builds walls better than me, believe me!" Crowd: "Yay! We need a bizzuz mayan! And a wall! Wall, wall, wall!" Puppet Masters: "Excellent, they're buying it. He's in. Now to systematically destroy the GOP from within, muah ha ha ha--" Trump: "Thanks for the nomination! Mexicans are rapists!" Crowd: "Fuck them! Clean my hotel room, bitch!" Puppet Masters: "--MUAH ha ha...wait, what? Wow, are people actually sup--" Crowd: "Shoot them if they try to cross the border!" Puppet Masters: "Fer cryin' out loud, really? Quick, leak the Melania speech, do we have the side-by-side ready? Do it."
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/07/19/melania-trump-michelle-obama-speech-similarities-side-by-side-sots.cnn
Crowd: "The speech is totally different and even if it's word for word, no it's not! Michelle Obama is black! Emails! Benghazi!" Puppet Masters: "Great, now we should start to see--wait, he's UP? CNN did the side-by-side? What's with these people man?" Trump: "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I still wouldn't lose any votes, okay? Believe me." Crowd: "Guns! Guns! Guns! Bizzuz mayan! Emails!" Puppet Masters: "Let's...uh...let's move on. What are we up to, the Career Politicians Suck section? What did he like better, Slippery Hillary or Minion Clinton? He wants to call her what? That's so lame, it doesn't even...fine, let him go with that. Jesus Christ, I need a drink." Trump: "Crooked Hillary! Crooked Hillary lies! I know more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me! ISIS. Benghazi! Emails! Crooked Hillary!" Crowd: "Lock her up! Hang the bitch!" Puppet Masters: "This is either going really well or really badly, I can't even tell at this point. Time to do the Republican That Both Parties Respect fiasco. It's all set? He's on the morning shows? Here we go. This is the clincher, I can feel it." Trump: "John McCain is only a war hero because he got caught. I like people who don't get caught, okay?" Crowd: "He means what he says! He says what he means!" Puppet Masters: "...thought for sure that would...well, what do we have in place for this? Get a task force together, we need some totally unforgiveable, truly heinous insults to the troops. Work on that for later, but let's just stick to the next thing on the list." Trump: "The 2nd Amendment people can stop Hillary!" Puppet Masters: "Did he just tell people to shoot Mrs. C? Go to Orange Alert, he's off script. Orange Alert, Orange Alert! Broken Arrow!" Crowd: "He means what he says! He says what he means!" Puppet Masters: "He just told people to shoot Hillary and people are still--" Crowd: "He didn't mean that!" Puppet Masters: "Triple her bodyguards. Jesus, you'd think after Congresswoman Giffords...yeah, that phone is going to ring and it's going to be for me. I'll take Bill's call in the ready room. Let's just stick to the plan, time to rile up the God Squad. Who said yes to the VP spot for this clown? Trot him out -- wait, can he be carrying a bible? Right, too far. Let's just see what he does on his own." Pence: "I'm a lawyer. I make laws. We need the truth to be taught in schools. The earth is ten thousand years old. A huge bearded white guy in the sky took a rib from Adam while he was asleep and magically turned it into a mate he named Eve, and they lived naked in a garden, but there was this snake and Eve was a woman so of course she doesn't know what she's doing so she ate an apple and made Adam take a bite which ruined everything and that's why women are bad, and they did sex and all their kids did incest because nobody else was around to have sex with, but we don't talk about that, we just call it "the begats part" of the bible and it's really long so none of us read it. Then Jesus, he was definitely blond and blue-eyed even though he was a Jew in the Middle East, he said nice things so he had to get crucified and that's why we hang up this bloody dead likeness on a cross everywhere and give children nightmares while we lecture about how we want to ban violence, but anyway, HE died, because of sin, but we still have sin, and women are bad, except Mary because she was a virgin, but now on the Jesus fake birthday we kill a tree and bring it in the house and put lights on it and I got a new Xbox, and on his death day you don't eat meat unless you really want to, then we hide boiled eggs in the yard and there's this rabbit." Puppet Masters."I love him. Don't change a thing. How are the numbers? Hm, that's still a lot of women. Weird. Hit 'em harder, I guess." Trump: "NO FAT CHICKS! She's ugly! She's even uglier! He's even fatter than she is! My fingers are long! My cock is long, too! I'm rich! Emails! Benghazi!" Puppet Masters: "First thing in the morning, do the Birth Certificate Denial one. Tell him not to blow it." Trump: "Crooked Hillary started the birther movement, not me. Sidney Blumenthal. But maybe I did. But she did. But maybe I did. Muslims. Black people. I totally did." Puppet Masters: "...'the fuck was that?" Crowd: "If it ain't white, it ain't right! Obama is black and gay! And a Muslim! He's a black gay Muslim born in Kenya!" Trump: "I am very proud that Obama produced his birth certificate because of me! I did that! But it wasn't me! Crooked Hillary started it. Emails. Benghazi. Believe me! Wall!" Mexico: "We're not paying for a wall." Trump: "Mexico is paying for the wall!" Mexico: "We're definitely not ever paying for a wall." Trump: "I went there and we talked but we didn't talk about the wall." Mexico: "We told him that we're not paying for a wall." Crowd: "Wall! Wall! Wall! Hillary has murdered thousands of people with her bare hands! Michelle Obama is a man!" Puppet Masters: "...uh, guys? Nobody can ever find out about this. What now? We canceled the dwarf tossing -- what about sponsoring dog fights? Oh right, that's been done and nobody cared. Kosovaleski has arthrogryposis!? Fantastic. THIS is the clincher, I am sure this time." Trump:


Crowd: "That didn't happen and even if it did, Benghazi and emails and Muslims." 

Puppet Masters: "We may have underestimated the national douchebag level. Emergency meeting tonight, 2am, same place. Make sure you're not followed. The password is "Pussy Willow." You'll see. Howard Stern is bringing the pizza, and all the tapes. Strap in, shit's about to get intense." 

Disclaimer:
There is no way in the world this would happen. Howard Stern almost definitely does not eat pizza.💩
For more like this, you wanna hit the tag "Pickles."

Oct 10, 2016

Donald Trump Is A Terrible Person

LOOP-HOLE (Merriam Webster)

An error in the way a law, rule, or contract is written that makes it possible for some people to legally avoid obeying it

An ambiguity or omission in the text through which the intent of a statute, contract, or obligation may be evaded.

Last night during the 2nd presidential debate, Donald Trump scoffed at Clinton's suggestion that maybe it's time to let the system work like it's supposed to, spitting back that of course he, like all billionaires, takes full advantage of every tax loophole.

He didn't add,"so we need to reform the egregiously lopsided tax code so it's fair for all Americans, close those Bush loopholes enjoyed by the 1% so they start to contribute their fair share, approve and activate Obama's tax cuts that corporations can get only if they bring back all those jobs they shipped overseas. If we all work together we can ease the burden of the middle class, lift the working poor out of poverty, shore up our schools, fix our roads and bridges, put Americans to work and make America great!"

He didn't say any of that. He said "so does Warren Buffet."

Donald Trump Is A Terrible Candidate

When Trump blurted out "So does Warren Buffet," I'm surprised we didn't hear a ragged scream followed by a muffled thud from backstage, unless that's why we haven't heard from his campaign manager all day. Someone should go check on her.

Now, one might argue that Trump repeatedly stumbles into this kind of gaff because he isn't a politician and he doesn't know any better. One might acknowledge that the vast majority of candidates would never make mistakes like this, because most of them came up through law careers where they learned courtroom procedure.

Litigation is not the same as a political debate, but carries some of of the same principles of strategy. In witness testimony, anything brought up in the initial examination is admissible in the cross. In a debate, definitely prepare a response to, but you yourself do not bring up, any subject that is going to negate your position.

To support your position that of course you don't pay your fair share of taxes, you incite Warren Buffett? The socially-conscious billionaire that has been famously yelling for tax reform for years? Obama even put a plan on the table called "The Buffet Rule." Few people were paying any attention to Warren Buffet right now. And in this Short Attention Span Theatre that passes for "the news" these days, I'll wager that millions of people forgot all about The Buffet Rule.

Hi Mr. Buffet, welcome to the platform, I look forward to your gruff punditry on the news shows all week. If you get a CNN side-by-side with Chachi tomorrow, please obliterate that idiot, sir. I'd start with the definition of the word loophole, and that few loopholes in the whole history of the world were ever exploited for "good," and that Trump's offhand dismissal of this word is on par with his lack of understanding the word "consent."

"It's just words, folks."

Words have meaning. There's definition, there's connotation, there's nuance, there's context. Loophole, in the context of taxes, happens to be a word that's universally understood as bad. Legal -- yes, but barely. And "if you had 900 billion you would do it too" is the worst argument ever and just proves that Republicans have no code of ethics, unless "ethics" is also just one of those "words."

He just...says shit. Trump also said that if Clinton wins, it's going to be the same as four more years of Obama (yay?).
He also said that he knows nothing about Russia (oh yeah, sure).
He also said he would put her in jail (yeah there's a whole due process thing).
He also said he "hasn't spoken with" Pence, then immediately shot to shit the position on Assad that the Pence has been using as the platform showpiece in foreign policy.

What's he gonna say next? "Hey guys, let's attack Michelle Obama's childhood nutrition initiative, get the numbers on school lunch programs. Remember how Reagan said that ketchup is a vegetable? Let's do ketchup in the schools. It can't lose!"

This is the exact kind of head-explodey, crazy-ass shenanigans that make otherwise ordinary people venture over into tinfoil hat territory. Like, this can't be real, right. Serious people are wondering out loud if this whole campaign hasn't been one long grift from the very beginning. Some scorched Earth plot contrived in the 90s after Bill got caught cheating on Hillary.

Why are serious people suggesting, with a nervous chuckle to cover the fact that it sounds insane, that this is all just one big stage show to shift global politics? Not only because Trump has nothing to lose, as he shrugged off losing last year, "I go back to a very comfortable life." Not only because the Trumps and Clintons were once friendly, and not only because Ivanka and Chelsea are actually kinda pals, but because...really?  THAT was all supposed to fix "Grab them by the pussy," really? That's the really real strategy that people sat in a room and discussed and wrote down and felt good about? It can't be real, can it? Or. Is there some back room, closed-door alliance of rogue nationalists pulling the puppet strings?

As my imagination goes into overdrive, I wonder if I have some of that extra-heavy-duty tinfoil in the pantry...shhhh! They're watching!

Next: Operation - Trojan Horse's Ass



Oct 9, 2016

Here She Comes, Miss America

The top five contestants in the 4-6 year old group 
wait to be judged in the Little Miss Perfect contest. 
Look at their expressions. How is this okay?
Stop surrounding infant baby girls in all-pink-everything.

Stop buying girl toddlers play kitchens, tiny vaccuum cleaners and little plastic shopping carts.

Stop with the constant deluge of Disney princesses on every single item that a little girl uses in her day.

Stop eroticizing little girls.

Stop calling little girls who like math and science "nerds" or "geeks," even if you mean it lovingly.

Stop telling grade school girls that when boys hit you it means they like you.

Princess Culture is harmful.
Five-year old Ainsley didn't care for Princess Day.
We love her, (June 2016)
Stop saying boys who aren't good at baseball "throw like a girl."

Stop saying girls who are good at sports play "like a boy."

Stop telling little girls they're bossy.

Stop insulting your own body in the mirror where she can see you.

Stop supporting the notion that size 8 is a "plus" size.

Stop referring to vaginas and breasts using silly words, just say vagina and breasts. These are not bad words.

Stop treating the female body like it's an unwholesome, dirty thing.

Stop policing what middle school & high school girls are wearing and sending them home to change because they are "distracting" to boys. It is not their job to ensure that boys pay attention in class.

Stop supporting teen girl magazines that push a shallow beauty-first agenda.

Sept 2016
Stop beauty contests, it's a ridiculous and outdated institution.

Stop calling college girls "co-eds" finally, please, since 1875 was a long time ago. They're all just called "students" now. It's been time to let "co-ed" go for about a hundred years.

Stop celebrating the "beauty is pain" tradition through overdoing the whole hair removal thing, too-high heels, nylons, fake eyelashes, fake tans, fake teeth, fake lips, fake breasts. It's time to get real.

Stop hating yourself for not looking like fashion models. Fashion models don't even look like fashion models.


Stop making light of rape. Rape is a horrific violent crime. Rape is not a compliment. Rape is not a punchline.

Stop shaming and blaming the victims of sexual assault. What she's wearing, how much she drank and whether or not she takes the pill are irrelevant.

Stop remaining silent about restrictive legislation on the female reproductive system, because we are not going back and that's the end of discussion, pal.

Stop supporting a right wing "family values" agenda that is merely one battle in the over-arching war on women.

The Republican panel at the House Oversight and Government Reform committee hearing on contraception. 
Five pussies, zero vaginas, no balls.
(Feb 16, 2012)
Stop letting anyone deny there's a conservative war on women.

Stop confronting childless women about why they don't have children. It's none of your business.

Stop confronting busy professional women about why they have children if they're still going to work. It's none of your business.

Stop acting like it's cute when dads take care of their kids. The "clueless dad" stereotype stopped being a thing a long time ago, and today's dads are rockin' it.

Stop casting movies with old actors in romantic relationships with young actresses, passing over appropriately-aged actresses for being too old. It's creepy and weird.

Stop saying "boys will be boys." It's never used to describe decent behavior.

Stop letting anyone refer to household chores or toys or games or hobbies based on gender. Boys need to feel comfortable cooking, sewing, cleaning etc, and girls need to learn there is no such thing as "women's work."



Stop pretending that the act of "mansplaining" doesn't exist.

Stop overusing "mansplaining." It doesn't mean men merely explaining things. Save it for the real thing, that is when a man is interrupting a woman in order to condescendingly correct her, incorrectly, in subject matter where she is the expert and he is not.


Stop unnecessary gender qualifiers such as "all girl band" and "woman-led corporation" and "female author." Unless gender pertains to the central point, it is irrelevant.

Stop letting anyone get away with telling women that sexism is all in our minds. It's not in our minds, but it is on our minds, for the simple reason that we live it every day.

Just stop. ∎

Oct 8, 2016

Dear Donald Trump: Thank You!

feministfightclub.com
Hey, Women,

Hi, how ya doing? So yesterday was weird, right? Two days before the second Presidential debate, an old tape surfaced that shows the Republican nominee bragging about how he forcefully gropes and kisses any woman that he finds attractive, married or not. Then the internet exploded.

Why this latest pile of word vomit is worse than any other in his relentless spew, I couldn't say. Same shit, different day with this clown, innit? Why this time? Mitt Romney got creamed in 2012 just for saying he had "binders full of women," when all he meant was he'd collected the curriculum vitae of many women qualified for top jobs.

Whatever the reason that this particular remark is the dealbreaker, all women should be thanking Donald Trump. Because in terms of advancing women's rights here on starship Earth, it's as though this toxic gasbag has pierced a previously impenetrable force field and opened up a wormhole throwing us about 30,000 light years closer to normal space. He pushed and shoved and blundered his way into creating the biggest stage in the world, and boy, did he ever use it yesterday. Outstanding. Where's Anita Hill? Having a goddamn party, I hope. Solidarity, sister.

But ladies, the problem is that Donald Trump is not the problem.


Donald Trump is merely the walking, talking end result of what we do to our girls, beginning with a well-meaning but outdated princess culture when they're little. When do they find out there's no Prince Charming? How many frogs do they have to kiss? When is the right time to tell them that learning to walk in those high-heeled glass slippers is fine, but you're also going to need some sturdy, ass-kicking boots.

Twenty years ago, Alicia Machado was the first Miss Universe after Trump bought the franchise. The worst part of the whole scuttlebutt over his "Miss Piggy" and "Miss Housekeeping" comments is that he's not wrong about the basic fundamental issue at hand. It pains me to say it. But any person gets any job based on qualifications. They don't let you go to law school unless you meet the required score on the LSATS, they don't let you be a lawyer unless you score on the bar exam, and once you pass the bar you still have to apply for the job and jump through hoops before you beat out the other candidates. So young Miss Machado had jumped through all the hoops and landed the "job" of being Miss Universe for her high-scoring physical attributes. Trump's cruel, racist insults and televised humiliation of this poor kid when she got fat were shamefully unforgiveable, and his Tweets last week demonstrated a person who is sick and obsessive, a worriesome trait in anyone, let alone the leader of the free world. While I feel badly this woman has endured needlessly public embarrassment, the real tragedy is that we're still holding beauty contests at all.

How is this still a thing?

Women have come so far thanks to all of our trailblazing forebears that have been fighting for the past 200 years, yet every advancement gets sent five steps back when a row of women line up on TV to be rated based on which one looks best in a swimsuit. This man, and all men of his ilk, are only evidence of a much bigger, ongoing and ingrained cultural sickness, and it's on us, gals.

Women have the power to end the ridiculous institution of the beauty contest tomorrow. Don't treat it as some honored tradition or pretend it's any kind of humanitarian project. Don't participate in a franchise where you're putting money into the pockets of sleazeballs by competing with other women based on looks. When the centerpiece of the show is to strip to your swimsuit and parade around to be rated by what jiggles where, that's when you're granting permission for the Trumps of the world to examine every inch of your body and rate you, and that means they're rating all of us.

If you win, you lose for all of us. If you lose, how do you feel now? What value did the Trumps of the world ascribe to you? Are you a seven? Eight? What bits are you going to tape down or push up next time to please him and all the other men like him? Will you whiten your teeth and inject collagen into your lips to earn that Ten?

Stop competing in beauty contests.

Beauty pageants are just one of the ways that women willingly help support a culture that rates us from 1 to 10, as a piece of ass, arm candy, trophy wives, pussy you can grab anytime you want it. If every female in the country were to wake up tomorrow and quit whatever beauty pageant circuit they're in right now, that's the end of that shit. You're beautiful, yes, everyone appreciates your lovely face, we are all very happy that you won the DNA lottery. But why is it a contest? We need to do better for ourselves right now, and we need to do better for future generations.

Related: Here She Comes, Miss America 

Oct 6, 2016

Throwback Thursday: 2007

Clown Vomit: Regurgitation
Oh boy, Clown Vomit, did you find the right music reviewer or what? You crazy cats either lucked out big time, or you did your homework and discovered my erstwhile fascination with acts such as Steamy Bohemians, Doctor Frog and Irritating Rainbow. (Read More...)

Oct 4, 2016

Porch Bear

Sometimes you have to air out your bear.
Orson spent the day on the back porch.