Spring 2014An Undisclosed DC Location Guys, I just got a crazy idea. You know how the GOP is always claiming that Obamacare is a Trojan Horse? No, I don't get how the metaphor is supposed to fit either, do they mean dead horse maybe or...dunno, doesn't matter. Lock the door...
What if we were to really do that Trojan Horse thing? No no, don't laugh, hear me out. We get our inside guys to recruit a real character who's kinda dumb but craves attention more than anything else. We figure out just what he needs to say in order to win the nomination. Once every Republican endorses the guy, we design a campaign that makes sure there's no way he'd get the votes to beat Hillary. Gotta be someone who doesn't know a lot about...well, anything...and has nothing to lose either way. He needs to be totally without honor and completely unprincipled, but too arrogant to know his own character flaws. He needs to embody, and amplify, everything people hated about Mitt. That whole "paying for college was hard for me, too, I even had to cash in some stock options," and the "my job is not to worry about the 47%" bit, and we'll definitely need something ball-retractingly astonishing to top that "binders full of women" disaster. You know, the kind of shitcan royalty poseur that's born on third base but swaggers around telling everybody he hit a triple -- the kind of all money/no class assmunch that would gold plate his dick if he could. Nah, not Eastwood, they won't go for another actor, anyway he's coming unhinged in his old age, poor guy, that chair thing was wackadoodle, I dunno if we can sell that. But good track, good track -- something LIKE an actor. Who's available that has nothing else to do for the next year and a half?
June 2014Trump: "Nominate me! What's great about me is, I'm very very rich and I married a beautiful piece of ass! I'm going to build a wall and Mexico is going to pay for it! Nobody builds walls better than me, believe me!" Crowd: "Yay! We need a bizzuz mayan! And a wall! Wall, wall, wall!" Puppet Masters: "Excellent, they're buying it. He's in. Now to systematically destroy the GOP from within, muah ha ha ha--" Trump: "Thanks for the nomination! Mexicans are rapists!" Crowd: "Fuck them! Clean my hotel room, bitch!" Puppet Masters: "--MUAH ha ha...wait, what? Wow, are people actually sup--" Crowd: "Shoot them if they try to cross the border!" Puppet Masters: "Fer cryin' out loud, really? Quick, leak the Melania speech, do we have the side-by-side ready? Do it."
Crowd: "That didn't happen and even if it did, Benghazi and emails and Muslims."
Puppet Masters: "We may have underestimated the national douchebag level. Emergency meeting tonight, 2am, same place. Make sure you're not followed. The password is "Pussy Willow." You'll see. Howard Stern is bringing the pizza, and all the tapes. Strap in, shit's about to get intense."
There is no way in the world this would happen. Howard Stern almost definitely does not eat pizza.💩
For more like this, you wanna hit the tag "Pickles."