BLOG

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Where Is Lexi Kahn?

No matter how much I try to stop ruminating, there come the thoughts again. Why didn't I do this, why did I pick that, why have I made these choices. I'm 44 years old and I feel like I'm starting over again. I haven't got a job and I haven't got the mindset to get nor keep one, I have no income and the bills are piling up. I feel like a total failure. These are the thoughts that won't stop today, despite the sunny day and the music playing and my loving husband doing everything possible to hold me together. I feel so hopeless. I sat out on the porch to gather my positive affirmations and deep breathe "in the moment" and stop the ruminations, but all that happened was I fell asleep. It was a nice nap in the Sunday afternoon, but sleep only goes so far to help. Where is my strength, where is my resolve, where are my power tools to break down this wall? Where is Lexi Kahn?

The artwork here is "Super Lexi," and it was done by Miss Linda Bean P. many years ago. I was really surprised when a little package showed up, a small notepad with this artwork affixed to the front. Linda sent me a reminder of me as my rock persona Lexi Kahn, a sassier and more rock star version of my everyday self. When I was out at night and managing bands and doing music reviews and booking showcases, I was Lexi Kahn, the low budget superhero. At some point the persona merged with my daytime self and I wore the same clothes to work that I wore as Lexi, and most people called me Lexi instead of Michelle. My husband still does except when he's dealing with the doctors. Then it's weird when I hear my name come out of his mouth. Hi, I'm Lexi. Or I was. Lexi Kahn wore a cape and boots and could handle anything. Oh, Lexi Kahn, where are you now when I need you so much. Please come back, please. Things are dark in here. I need a little low budget superpower, baby.

Related Posts:

  • Sometimes I Laugh BOSTON. You know that fine line between funny and sad? I know that guy. Tonight I went to "The Gas" at Great Scott. That is the weekly comedy hosted by Rob Crean. Rob is possibly the saddest funny guy that I know. I'm not saying all of his material arises from a place of depression or anxiety,… Read More
  • Me and the Loony Bin Self-Portrait The first time I went into the mental hospital was in early 2014. I'd been fired from my job at the end of November, which sent me spiraling into depression with bouts of anxiety. By the new year, I'd been unable to sleep at all, and that's when I began to experience the begin… Read More
  • Hot Head v. Cool Head : Who Really Prevails? I'm among those who did not tune in to the Kavanaugh hearing today, because I've had enough. Of everything. And all these old white men. But I see from all of your posts and tweets that the "honorable" (that's laughable) judge had himself a little mantrum today, is that right? This reporting ha… Read More
  • Behind Three Doors (part 2) (continued from part 1) Seven Days With the winter Olympics on the small overhead TV every night, my first stay on the psych ward was imbued with an eerie sense of monumental circumstance. The Olympics, this universal worldwide event that interrupts all normal broadcasting and takes over everyt… Read More
  • I'm Not Doing Great, You Guys All I can say right now is that it is really weird when your brain breaks. I can't sleep from dreams, what feels like all-night struggles. I can't focus for long, and my formerly rock-solid concentration...it's not there. There's more to say but I'm getting ready to go see my therapist now. I'll e… Read More

3 comments:

Mary said...

It's weird because I just sent you a letter (you should get it in a day or two) and I found I wanted to address it to Lexi instead of Michelle but wasn't sure if I should or not. Now I wish I did.

-Mary

Amy said...

Fall apart, my sweet friend. Just utterly fall apart. We humans were given a gift. When we express our emotions, we heal. This is a major life crisis. It's not frivolous, it's not wimpy, it's not your fault. You are Lexi at her finest right now, refusing to pretend that you're okay. On the other side of this looming storm lies the rest of your shimmering blue-sky life.

@SuperLowBudge said...

I got it and I read it; how nice to get an actual handwritten letter. Thank you, Mary. And as for the sleep issue, I know, what's up with that? Definitely raise the question with your doctor.