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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Point Me Towards Tomorrow

Over-the-fence spontaneous chat with kindly neighbor who empathizes makes for a good distraction on a day when I'm feeling the jitters. This is a guy who drove me to the psych ward the second time I went, when I was in a state of tearful despair and couldn't even cope. I thanked him again. "What are friends for?" he said. If you can give a ride to the loony bin on five minutes' notice, you are a friend for life.

Friends have been great. Especially people who have been down to the bottom of the pit and have known the despair, but I have to say it makes me realize that depression and anxiety are far more common than I'd thought. Why does everyone keep it a secret, that's got to be so lonely in an already-lonely time. I mean there are days when getting out of bed is an Herculean task. It keeps me sane to have so many friends who send Facebook notes, emails and blog comments saying everything from "I went through a bout of depression and anxiety too, and..." to the other end of the spectrum, "I can't say I know what you're going through but I love you." I invite everyone to email me a "hello there," reading them gives me something to do during the day, and you're all unaware of how great a feeling comes over me when the depression lifts for a moment to read your kind words. My email address is my name, at gmail, or you can use the contact form.

Last night I talked on the phone with my uncle, who helped by reminding me that I've been through a lot. Tomorrow I have my shrink appointment.

Today I gave in and took a long nap; I just ran out of things to do and my head hurt and my heart hurt and I just couldn't cope. I took a shower and then, clean and refreshed, I put on a fresh T shirt and crawled into the comfort of the sheets and grabbed the teddy bear. After about an hour I forced myself to get up. It's a paralysis, you have to just get. Up.

The thing is, going to bed that way, it doesn't even help. I'd have been better off going back out for a walk again. I'd already been out today but I should have gone back out. Earlier after I did a half hour on the exercise bike I went out. I went and got a prescription filled, bought toothpaste and sat in the Allston Diner having a cup of herbal tea. I felt like an idiot just sitting there, but literally every piece of group therapy and regular therapy talks about "get out and go where people are" and they make a big deal about sitting in a public place with a beverage. I feel like I've had so much group therapy at this point I may as well try more of the things they say to do. I don't know how much good it did me, but it's better than sitting home crawling out of my skin. Which is what happened when I finished my tea and came home, which one must eventually do.

I sat out on the porch and tried to "get back to the breath." After a long while of deep breathing, in and out, and feeling where the tension was in my body, I was able to calm myself. I felt okay. But just barely hanging on, not like the days last week when I nearly felt normal for about forty eight hours. I think I'm also still PMSy, and now I'm thinking about ways to chart all of my moods. Why today did I want to crawl into bed? Was it the weather, the gray skies? The PMS? Blood sugar? Is it just a natural process to have relapses, like all the handouts say? Well relapses suck.

So it wasn't a great day, but I look forward to tomorrow.

Related Posts:

  • Me and the Loony Bin Self-Portrait The first time I went into the mental hospital was in early 2014. I'd been fired from my job at the end of November, which sent me spiraling into depression with bouts of anxiety. By the new year, I'd been unable to sleep at all, and that's when I began to experience the begin… Read More
  • Act As If... Last week my therapist suggested I try something new to get me motivated to get up and do things. She suggested role playing. Change my clothes, change what I do, change where I sit and "play the role" of the person I want to be. She said try it for a few hours a day. I've been thinking about it… Read More
  • Behind Three Doors I went into the psych ward three times, under three different circumstances. The first time I have little recollection of, but the bits I do remember are supercharged. Being handcuffed to a gurney in an ambulance, running naked down my front stairs. A collage of images all mixed together in some … Read More
  • Some Conversations Some conversations come too early, some conversations come too late, and others never happen at all. I came dangerously close to remaining ignorant of what one conversation with my mom would reap, until I called her last night. I cried the whole time, but I believe this is what you call a breakth… Read More
  • On the Mend I finally feel more like myself again. I've managed to stop ruminating over the hospital and focus on doing things around the house. I've been using the "act as if" method, faking going through the motions no matter what my mind is telling me it would rather be doing (ruminating, mostly). To my a… Read More

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been loving your blog posts. You really are an amazing writer. Don't forget all the ways that YOU have been the one helping everyone around you. I know I will never forget our spontaneous road trip from MA to NJ on 15 mins notice. I will be forever grateful for that.. <3 Mary

Edith Maxwell said...

Michelle, I'm just so sorry you have to go through this. I'm one of those ones on the end of the spectrum who aren't prone to what you're going through, but I've seen my dear one struggle with it for all of the ten years I've known him, and I had a brief few weeks of depression myself when my first son was a few months old.

I'm glad you have an awesome neighbor and an even more awesome husband. I'm glad you can write about it. I'm glad you've had therapy enough for the tips and practical lessons to sink in. And I wish you well, soon and always.
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