Baby Steps

Yesterday I needed a Klonopin to get through it. The day, I mean.

The problem is that life doesn't stop for depression and anxiety issues. You still have to deal with shit. For example, I have this student loan that's due, $122 every month, and I'm out of money in my bank account. It's just down to pennies. The well is dry. The $122 is the bucket that's going to reach mud in the bottom of the well. For that, I just have to make a phone call to the student loan people and figure out if I can get a deferment or forbearance, only every time I do I get completely wigged out and can't function. This is the anxiety.


Boston Organics has been on hold because I couldn't deal with a box of vegetables every week, and I can't seem to press the buttons to call and to either tell them to change or keep the hold on our account. I don't know if I can deal with a box of vegetables or not, that's the problem. That's the anxiety.

I got notice that my primary care physician has left her post and I have to pick out a new doctor, only everybody in the brochure they sent that's accepting new patients is in Arlington or Newton; I need the new doc to be in the same location, because I can walk or take the bus there. I can't have a doctor in Arlington, it's too far away. I need to call and find out who is left in the same location near me in the 11 Nevins building at St. E's. The likelihood that there will be no doctor for me in the same location as the old one is small, it's a medical building, but every time I think about it I  panic. Anxiety.

St. E's business office wants to call and talk about the bill, which I don't know what we're going to do about. Insurance only covers so much. Anxiety.

But I made all the phone calls. Those are the positives. I just needed some help with the anxiety.

So the Klonopin.

The Automatic Negative Thought about that is, how will I ever become a person who gets things done without the aid of a pill. Then that leads to depression. I'm working on quelling the Automatic Negative Thought (see previous entry on those) but it's so, so hard. I just want to crawl back into bed with my teddy bear and turn off the world today.