Objective: POTUS (Resume of Hillary Rodham Clinton)

Hillary Rodham Clinton
1 Pierrepont Plaza
Brooklyn, NY 11201
(202) 224-4343
hdr22@clintonemail.com (out of service)
@HillaryClinton

Objective: Win 2016 Democratic nomination for president of the United States

• Continue life of public service, heeding the call of my party and my country
• Win
• Obliterate that highest, hardest glass ceiling, sending its shards sprinkling around us like liberation confetti
• Stop Republicans from killing national healthcare in the crib
• Income inequality bad
• Think Democrat: college loans, child care, safe pensions, secure entitlements
• Don’t think Bill: welfare “reform,” Doma, don’t-ask-don’t-tell, Rwanda
• Fix Syria, Libya, Iran and all the other foreign policy messes of this administration
• ______________________________ (we value your comments)

Work experience

Secretary of state, 2009–13:

• Tirelessly circled globe making amends for the Bush years, helped to end two wars and limited US exposure as Middle East fell apart
• Betrayed all our old friends in the Middle East, watched Bashar al-Assad murder, mollycoddled Russia, fumbled pivot to Asia, generally freelanced
• You say Ben, I say Ghazi! Ben! Ghazi! Ben! etc

US senator from New York, 2001–09:

• Cast historic October 2002 vote in favor of use of force resolution in Iraq
• Voted against Bush tax cuts
• Voted in favor of $700bn TARP financial bailout program

First lady of United States, 1993–2001:

• Led effort to reform healthcare but failed to lead Congress by the nose; lost the vote
• Stood by her man
• Bravely weathered economic adversity: “We came out of the White House not only dead broke but in debt”

Education

• BA, Wellesley College, 1969
• JD, Yale Law School, 1973. Postgraduate study at the Yale Child Study Center

Background and family life

• Born 26 October 1947 (age 67) in Chicago, Illinois. With husband Bill has one daughter, Chelsea Victoria, 35, and a granddaughter

Publications and skills

• Second place, Democratic presidential nominating competition, 2008
• Most admired woman in America and third-most-admired woman in world
• Once clapped backup for Stevie Nicks and Michael Jackson
• 
  

•First ever student commencement speaker at Wellesley College.
•President of the Wellesley Young Republicans
•Intern at the House Republican Conference
•Distinguished graduate of Yale Law School
•Editorial board of the Yale Review of Law and Social Action
•Appointed to Senator Walter Mondale's Subcommittee on Migratory Labor.
•Co-founded Arkansas Advocates for Children and Families
•Staff attorney for Children's Defense Fund
•Faculty member in the School of Law at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville
•Former Director of the Arkansas Legal Aid Clinic.
•First female chair of the Legal Services Corporation
•First female partner at Rose Law Firm.
•Former civil litigation attorney.
•Former Law Professor at the University of Arkansas School of Law.
•twice listed by The National Law Journal as one of the hundred most influential lawyers in America
•Former First Lady of Arkansas.
•Arkansas Woman of the Year in 1983
•Chair of the American Bar Association's Commission on Women in the Profession
•twice named by the National Law Journal as one of the 100 most influential lawyers in America
•created Arkansas's Home Instruction Program for Preschool Youth
•led a task force that reformed Arkansas's education system
•Board of directors of Wal-Mart and several other corporations
•Instrumental in passage of the State Children's Health Insurance Program
•Promoted nationwide immunization against childhood illnesses
•Successfully sought to increase research funding for prostate cancer and childhood asthma at the National Institutes of Health
•Worked to investigate reports of an illness that affected veterans of the Gulf War (now recognized as Gulf War Syndrome)
•Helped create the Office on Violence Against Women at the Department of Justice
•Initiated and shepherded the Adoption and Safe Families Act
•First FLOTUS in US History to hold a postgraduate degree
•Traveled to 79 countries during time as FLOTUS
•Helped create Vital Voices, an international initiative to promote the participation of women in the political processes of their countries.
•Served on five Senate committees:
  -Committee on Budget (2001–2002)
  -Committee on Armed Services (2003–2009)
  -Committee on Environment and Public Works (2001–2009)
  -Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions (2001–2009)
  -Special Committee on Aging.
•Member of the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe
•Instrumental in securing $21 billion in funding for the World Trade Center site's redevelopment
•Leading role in investigating the health issues faced by 9/11 first responders.
•In the aftermath of September 11th, she worked closely with her senior Senate counterpart from New York, Sen. Charles Schumer, on securing $21.4 billion in funding for the World Trade Center redevelopment.
• Middle East ceasefire. In November 2012, Secretary of State Clinton brokered a ceasefire deal between Israel and Hamas.
•Introduced the Family Entertainment Protection Act, intended to protect children from inappropriate content found in video games.
•First ex-FLOTUS in US History to be elected to the United States Senate (and re-elected)
•Two-term New York Senator
  -(senate stats here: https://www.govtrack.us/...)
  -(voting record here: http://votesmart.org/...)
•Former US Secretary of State
•GRAMMY Award Winner
•Author

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Also makes you an an asshole

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Hit List

These are some words and phrases for the *suggestion box. This is a list that's always evolving.
*As in, I suggest they be retired for now.

Sales & Marketing

Spring has sprung.
Fun in the sun.
Doorbuster.
Blowout.
"It's in our DNA."
"We're very excited to announce..."
digital marketing

Everyone Else

It is what it is.
It's all about the ________.
Ya gotta love _______.
...sooner rather than later.
Isn't it ironic. (I feel like I shouldn't have to say this.)

Especially Women

"I just wanted to..." / "Can I just get..."
"I'm sorry to..." / "My apologies for..."

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Another Facebook Thing: 3 Characters That Define You

Neelix, Janine and Jo March

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Stars Shining Bright Above You: Somebody Please Help Corey Feldman

Stand By Me

Look, I get why everyone is gleefully clicking and sharing and tagging me. Did you see? You gotta see. I get it. In my circle I'm known to be a flag-waving, card-carrying, true-blue Generation X pop culture maven, my latchkey kid, TV-addled brain way overloaded with massive volumes of useless trivia in such subjects as Schoolhouse Rock, Spandex, when to use gel versus mousse, Madonna, Ronald Reagan's policies, the right way to make a mix tape, Oliver North, new wave, Tiger Beat Star and more details about The Brady Bunch than any normal person ever needs to know. It's not good, nor is it useful in any practical way in life, it's just how I do all this shit. But no, I don't want to make fun of Corey Feldman.

Stand By Corey

Setting aside the fact that I've already seen him sing and dance on YouTube easily 8 or so years ago, meaning that this 80s child star sideshow isn't news to me is this: it's not funny to me. You know what I see when Corey Feldman is performing? A person who is not well. I've been down that deep, dark hole of batshit crazy, and everything about his behavior is looking pretty serious to me.

Imagine living in Corey Feldman's head. He's thoughtful and intelligent, emotional, he's always been eccentric. Imagine already being a differently-wired kind of kid, navigating the substance-fueled gauntlet of fame that took so many lives. Imagine growing to your teens, 20s, 30s and 40s and regularly getting phone calls with news that another contemporary is dead. River Phoenix is dead. Dana Plato is dead. Corey Haim is dead. Heath Ledger is dead. Brittany Murphy is dead. Michael Jackson is dead. Cobain. Whitney. Farley. If even half of the stories are true, it's a miracle that Corey Feldman wasn't one of the headlines.

The Gauntlet

It's a relief that we still have Drew Barrymore, Johnny Depp, Robert Downy Jr., who endured the gauntlet but eventually broke free. Some made it out, but were never quite right after the the tumult of that punishingly harsh workover on the body and brain. Danny Bonaduce talks about it all the time. Too many drugs too easy to get, too much booze, plus a warped lifestyle and a mercurial psyche. All that stuff rewires your brain. So many of these kids missed the gold ring on the merry-go-round of "normal." To hear the stories of the survivors and the RIP's, it sounds hard, and it sounds lonely and crowded at the same time.

Nancy Reagan's exuberant "Just Say No" pamphlets were a fucking joke, Robin Williams probably used them to snort cocaine. Back then it seemed like there was some sheen of badassery about just not giving a fuck how you get through your day, as long as the show goes on. Wasn't the mere mention of a celebrity's name in the same sentence as "Betty Ford" an instant punchline?

Today there is more tangible, actual help available. More rehab, less recklessness. More yoga and veganism, less hookers and blow. The realities of mental illness are surfacing, the general public is learning the connection between depression and heroin, anxiety and booze. 

It's weird when your brain stops working. 

When I had my breakdown in February 2014, I thought I had figured out the answer to world peace. I thought it was whispered to me in the night by Phillip Seymour Hoffman, whose death had been announced that day. I was positive that he picked me to tell the world what he found out in the afterlife. I posted some weird stuff on Facebook. My friends must have all known that I was losing my mind, but to me, it was just a thing that was happening as clearly as cooking dinner or doing the laundry. You don't realize while it's happening that synapses are misfiring and you're losing touch with reality.

See, I don't think Corey knows that he isn't a dancer. He doesn't get that lurching around on stage like the drunkest uncle at a wedding is strange behavior. I think he thinks he's doing great. He might be up there thinking that he is channeling the spirit of his lost idol and friend Michael Jackson. I think after the TODAY show performance Corey expected to wake up to glowing reviews.

Doesn't Corey Feldman have people? I had people. My people saw that my behavior was escalating into weirdness, they rallied around me like an army of heroes and I got the help, and I got better. I didn't have the celebrity to go live on a world stage with a back-up band dressed as angels.

Whatever is going on, I feel bad for Corey Feldman. Yes, I can see how you think I'm your Gen-X girl for the news cycle, but no, I'm not joining in the "let's all make fun of Corey Feldman" festivities. He's a contemporary in trouble. I've liked Corey ever since he was Reggie in The Bad News Bears. We were 9 years old.

Winning.

Hey, I might be totally wrong. Maybe Corey Feldman, having gotten clean and sober years ago, is now perfectly rational and clear-headed and this is all just a wild shot taken by an eccentric celebrity to make headlines and test boundaries, like what Miley Cyrus did with the weird protruding tongue and all that twerking.

Could be, but do you really think? Does that sound right to you?

Okay, maudlin soapbox session complete. Next time I pull out the Generation X game board I promise we'll go back to discussing why, dear God, why the hell did Jennifer Grey think it was a good idea to get a nose job. Dammit, Jen.❤

Related: Tiger Beat Stars Redux

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The Hole

"The Hole" (ipad, PaintShopPro)

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Bed Bear

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If It Weren't For My Horse

There should be a word for what happens to your brain when you overhear a stranger say something so incomprehensible that it lodges in there, like a sliver of dumbness you can't extract.

You and this person pass each other on your way through your lives, they drop an enigmatic nugget on you and keep right on going, and then you think of that person. Like, forever.

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SIMONS SAYS...

I'm not in shoe-buying mode.
I'm in Nothing-buying mode. I don't earn what I used to before the what-have-you in 2014 when my brain broke.
Now every penny is saved for the necessities. So why do I even pause at the window of my favorite shoe store. 
I should not do that.

Simons Shoes

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Brookline Village sundown.

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The Lobster (Movie Review)

The Lobster is a dark utopia/dystopia movie from Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos starring Colin Farrell and Rachel Weisz. If you've seen it, or don't plan to ever see it but you have a keen interest in what it's all about, this is for you. If you haven't seen it but it's on your to-do list, click away, because this is full of spoilers.

***

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Happy Birthday, Yvonne

Yvonne de Carlo was not only beautiful, she was also a dancer, singer,
and she played the harp.
I was so in love with her when I was little.

 Happy birthday, Missus.

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Black Lives Matter

Look, it's not up for debate. No "buts." Black Lives Matter. I cannot believe it's really necessary to explain that this awareness-driven slogan is not meant to imply "Only Black Lives Matter." That's not what it means at all. To take it as such is, frankly, a weird reaction and I have a few questions for you later. But first, let me be clear. Black Lives Matter means Black Lives Mattter Too.

THIS IS A NATIONAL CRISIS

We're in a crisis right now. That's why the Black Lives Matter was born. Tragically necessary, #BLM is social movement meant to plead with law enforcement to stop their nationwide rampage of randomly murdering people on the street, and in their homes and cars. Coast to coast the unprovoked shooting or beating of a black person was becoming normalized, and some of us were freaking out over how these events, ordinary traffic stops, results in a gun even appearing? One time with a baby in her car seat, even? Thanks to smart phones and Facebook, these events have been chronicled and shared, and it's been plain to see that every single one of these senseless deaths have been situations where a gun wasn't even necessary. Where a conversation would have cleared up any confusion. Trayvon, just a kid, was stalked and killed by some random asshole that isn't even a cop. Just some gun nut with a superiority complex who has since been recorded gloating and signing autographs in his specious glory as "the guy who killed Trayvon." In the local police firing range, Trayvon's photo was made into a target practice poster and nobody understood why that's horrific. There was no gun fired in the case of Mr. Garner, who was tackled by cops for selling cigarettes. Pinned to the ground, crying out "I can't breathe" until he finally asphyxiated and died. I wonder what it's like to be pinned and deprived of air for so long. Horrifying. Out of this climate arose the campaign. It's simple. Three words. Black. Lives. Matter.

Who is wholly against this nationwide cry for mercy? Who protests this peaceful, quiet reminder that no living soul deserves to be targeted just for the happenstance of birth that determines the color of one's skin? Is it you? Is your response an outraged "All Lives Matter!" Did you just tell me "Blue Lives Matter"? I see. Clearly someone needs to explain to you that you're demonstrating a fairly appalling point-of-view right now. When you react to "Black Lives Matter" with "All Lives Matter" or "Blue Lives Matter," that's antagonistic. What you mean is "No, BLUE lives matter!" Or put another way, Blue Lives Matter More. The main problem with your retort, and this cannot be emphasized enough, is that, completely unlike black lives, nobody has ever implied that all lives don't matter. You don't need to SPECIFY that. Of course all lives matter, and I'd also like to know what's wrong with you that you would possibly consider for one moment that I think otherwise? Remind me never to count on you in a crisis. It's not up for debate. No "buts." Black Lives Matter. That is all. ∎

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