Sunday, June 8, 2014

Where Is Lexi Kahn?

No matter how much I try to stop ruminating, there come the thoughts again. Why didn't I do this, why did I pick that, why have I made these choices. I'm 44 years old and I feel like I'm starting over again. I haven't got a job and I haven't got the mindset to get nor keep one, I have no income and the bills are piling up. I feel like a total failure. These are the thoughts that won't stop today, despite the sunny day and the music playing and my loving husband doing everything possible to hold me together. I feel so hopeless. I sat out on the porch to gather my positive affirmations and deep breathe "in the moment" and stop the ruminations, but all that happened was I fell asleep. It was a nice nap in the Sunday afternoon, but sleep only goes so far to help. Where is my strength, where is my resolve, where are my power tools to break down this wall? Where is Lexi Kahn?

The artwork here is "Super Lexi," and it was done by Miss Linda Bean P. many years ago. I was really surprised when a little package showed up, a small notepad with this artwork affixed to the front. Linda sent me a reminder of me as my rock persona Lexi Kahn, a sassier and more rock star version of my everyday self. When I was out at night and managing bands and doing music reviews and booking showcases, I was Lexi Kahn, the low budget superhero. At some point the persona merged with my daytime self and I wore the same clothes to work that I wore as Lexi, and most people called me Lexi instead of Michelle. My husband still does except when he's dealing with the doctors. Then it's weird when I hear my name come out of his mouth. Hi, I'm Lexi. Or I was. Lexi Kahn wore a cape and boots and could handle anything. Oh, Lexi Kahn, where are you now when I need you so much. Please come back, please. Things are dark in here. I need a little low budget superpower, baby.


  1. It's weird because I just sent you a letter (you should get it in a day or two) and I found I wanted to address it to Lexi instead of Michelle but wasn't sure if I should or not. Now I wish I did.


    1. I got it and I read it; how nice to get an actual handwritten letter. Thank you, Mary. And as for the sleep issue, I know, what's up with that? Definitely raise the question with your doctor.

  2. Fall apart, my sweet friend. Just utterly fall apart. We humans were given a gift. When we express our emotions, we heal. This is a major life crisis. It's not frivolous, it's not wimpy, it's not your fault. You are Lexi at her finest right now, refusing to pretend that you're okay. On the other side of this looming storm lies the rest of your shimmering blue-sky life.