I Wish I Could Give My Brain A New Battery

Six years ago my brain broke. I had a breakdown, several stays in the mental ward, so much therapy, both one-on-one and in group. Though I've experienced some good periods, for example I held a part-time job for two and a half years, it's been mostly a grim struggle. I have therapy once a week, sometimes more often. I'm on medication. Every day I feel like I have to start all over again finding my way. My settings got out of whack and there's no manual. My body feels like I'm wearing cement boots and walking in mud and breathing through Jello. My head is encased in an opaque white balloon. My sleep is fraught. I can't work and we need help. So I went ahead and applied for disability. I feel strange about it, but friends and family have been encouraging me to look into it. My team of doctors all think I'll get it. I don't know how these things are decided, but my luck has never been all that great.

How can I explain my broken brain. It's like the brain in the V-drums Joe has in his studio. That's an electronic drum kit, with physical drums that are fitted with pads that you strike with real drum sticks and it makes a signal that's either a drum sound or any sound you want. Joe has mostly been using his V-drums as a MIDI controller for samples in Ableton Live, but he told me that he needs a new battery for the V-drum "brain." Its "brain" is like the digital traffic cop that sets and controls the signal. Well, that brain's battery has been dead for a while. What's happening is that settings that have been set aren't there when the brain boots back up and need to be re-set every time. That's how I feel in the morning after spending a nightmare-filled night after spending all day doing self-care and trying not to nap. Then I do it all over again. I hope I filled out the disability paperwork correctly. It was really hard to do because I don't have any focus whatsoever.∎