On the Mend

I finally feel more like myself again. I've managed to stop ruminating over the hospital and focus on doing things around the house. I've been using the "act as if" method, faking going through the motions no matter what my mind is telling me it would rather be doing (ruminating, mostly). To my amazement it has been working. I got the kitchen cleaned up and the bathroom and after being stalled for three weeks I finished updating my resume. I even applied for another job. I had my first physical therapy session and it wasn't bad, though I was sore later. Basically he just moved my shoulder around in different directions and then gave me an exercise to do at home. Today I have my second session. I leave in half an hour to walk there. All in all, I'm okay. On the mend, as they say.

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Introspection and an Aching Shoulder

I'm in a mode where I'm very much in my own head. I can't help it, I keep thinking about the hospital. It's as if I'm reliving the days and nights spent locked down in the pysch ward, and I can't seem to un-hitch my brain from thinking of those nurses, mental health workers and other patients. I see the hallway, the rooms, the nurses' station. I smell it.

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Act As If...

Last week my therapist suggested I try something new to get me motivated to get up and do things. She suggested role playing. Change my clothes, change what I do, change where I sit and "play the role" of the person I want to be. She said try it for a few hours a day.

I've been thinking about it all week and I think the problem is that I don't know who I want to be. I don't feel like I'm the same person I was before, and I don't know where I want to go from here.

I didn't get the job in the consignment shop; I stopped in the other week to check and see if they were still interviewing and the owner told me they're all set for the moment. It's okay because I don't even know if I wanted to do that.

I do know that I need to do something.

But what?

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