BLOG

Friday, July 11, 2014

Feeling So Low

I don't think this Zoloft is working, doc. I feel so low. It started to set in earlier in the week and now comes Friday and I feel like I'm made out of lead. I had high hopes for the Zoloft. Maybe I was putting too much stock in the label "anti-depressant." I've been doing the exercise bike, I've been going on my walks, I've been trying to write for my freelance assignment -- it's going okay, not great, but okay -- but I'm doing it all from such a low place. This stuff helps people? Are we sure how this all works? I can't believe people around me have been living with this kind of anxiety and depression and I didn't know, not even a little bit, what it's really like. I am so sorry.

I'm anxious about my mother's upcoming visit. I just don't know what to do with them. They've never come here before and I feel like it will just be awkward. I know this sounds crazy to most of you with families that are close, but ours is a complicated relationship.

I'm incredibly worried about Joe. He snapped a few nights ago and went on a tirade, one that wasn't unexpected. He's been under tremendous pressure for six straight months over what's happened to me. He hasn't had a mental break since my psychotic episode, which came out of nowhere. I'm so worried about this damaging our relationship that I'm trying to hide my depression and pretend everything is fine, but he sees right through it. I just don't want to put more pressure on him. Today he said "Try to cheer yourself up," which sounds like telling a person with a broken leg to just fix it.

I'm feeling so down.

I've just eaten my breakfast. Next, I'm going to get dressed. Then, I'm going to the store to pick up some weekend supplies like bread and eggs. When I come back, I'm going to do the exercise bike. Then, I will take a shower. Then, I have to finish the writing for the freelance project. When it's time for lunch I'll make myself a turkey sandwich. At some point I'll go for my walk.

I'm working on things. I just wish...see every time I start a sentence with 'I just wish' I have to stop myself. This is how things are now, I can't turn back time and I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better. I'm just so weary of the hard work and the bad feelings. I just want to fall apart.

Related Posts:

  • Depression: Code Red One coping method I learned when my life fell apart five years ago was self-care. I'd lost everything in terms of normalcy after years of job-induced stress that eventually drove me literally insane, and that's when I found myself plunked into therapy for the first time. I'll always remember my … Read More
  • Sometimes I Laugh BOSTON. You know that fine line between funny and sad? I know that guy. Tonight I went to "The Gas" at Great Scott. That is the weekly comedy hosted by Rob Crean. Rob is possibly the saddest funny guy that I know. I'm not saying all of his material arises from a place of depression or anxiety,… Read More
  • Hot Head v. Cool Head : Who Really Prevails? I'm among those who did not tune in to the Kavanaugh hearing today, because I've had enough. Of everything. And all these old white men. But I see from all of your posts and tweets that the "honorable" (that's laughable) judge had himself a little mantrum today, is that right? This reporting ha… Read More
  • I'm Not Doing Great, You Guys All I can say right now is that it is really weird when your brain breaks. I can't sleep from dreams, what feels like all-night struggles. I can't focus for long, and my formerly rock-solid concentration...it's not there. There's more to say but I'm getting ready to go see my therapist now. I'll e… Read More
  • Behind Three Doors (part 2) (continued from part 1) Seven Days With the winter Olympics on the small overhead TV every night, my first stay on the psych ward was imbued with an eerie sense of monumental circumstance. The Olympics, this universal worldwide event that interrupts all normal broadcasting and takes over everyt… Read More

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that I miss seeing you post. I hope all is well with you.