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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Today and Later Today

This morning I woke up and put the "half smile" on my face per the group therapy instructions, I said "Birds. Breeze. Be Here Now." In my bed in the morning, "birds, breeze, be here now" have been a kind of mantra to calm myself down when I wake up with anxiety. I hear the birds, feel the breeze and I don't have to worry about anything, is what I mean. It calms me down when I'm anxious.


Today's anxiety is, I think, because I am going to meet a friend, to lunch, and I've never taken the 57 bus to Kenmore. It is supposed to be easy but I'm anxious and have been for two days. This is another "unlike me" scenario, one that I will have to get used to -- being afraid of getting around the city. I have to get over it.

As part of my "routine" such as it is, I've been walking around Allston, because walking outside and "being where people are" are on the list of things I need to be doing. My therapist asks me weekly and I have to be able to say, yes, I sat in a cafe with a tea and dealt with people. Socialized. I saw friends. They're making sure that I'm not curled up in a ball in my bed all day.

As the days go by it is getting easier, but I still have unexplained anxiety. I took myself out for lunch yesterday and had to sit through one such attack, but you know what? I calmed myself down. I did it without running out the door. I sat and said "you're safe, you're safe, be here now, you're safe." "Be here now" is one of the many helpful tips from one of the people on the amazing team I have on Facebook, a virtual army of supporters who are all pulling for me to beat this anxiety and depression. 

I don't have a lot to say today. I'm riveted to the clock and anchored to the time when I have to be down in Kenmore for lunch. I can't really focus on anything else. I'll have to update when I come back.

***

Lunch went fine. I didn't panic and I didn't get lost on the way to Kenmore. It was even during a day game, meaning the area was mobbed, and I was okay. We got salads. I took the bus home, brought my leftovers home and went back out walking.

Tonight I'm alone in the house for the first time in five months. I had some anxiety over this, earlier, and needed to take a Klonopin. Joe is in the studio with The Elderly and I was trying to hide my anxiety from him, but he knew. The reason I was trying to hide it is because for five months he has been the caregiver of a person with a mental illness and I wanted him to have a night "off" as it were; with the band and not worrying that I'm back here freaking out. I'm actually not freaking out. I am doing okay.
I'm pretty much doing okay.

I'm okay. It's going to be okay.

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