And a Little Bit About Some Other Stuff

Aliens (1) Allston Rock City (19) Art (11) Books (9) Boston (10) Boy George (4) Cats (4) Christmas (11) Civil Rights (9) College (6) Comedy (6) Depression (29) Drinkin' (4) Drugs (1) Facebook (11) Family (11) Food (6) Friends (17) Generation X (23) Ghosts (2) God (8) Guns (3) Halloween (4) High School (2) Home (3) Joe (27) Jury Duty (2) Kids (1) Killers (4) Knuckleheads (3) Lexi Kahn (1) LGBT (3) Marketing (5) Men (3) Microtia (1) Motherhood (2) Mourning (5) Movies (12) Music (19) Musicians (13) Pets (1) Pickles (4) Poetry (2) Politics (34) Radio (6) Relationships (7) Sci fi (4) Shopping (10) Sports (3) Technology (4) The Eighties (10) Theatre (1) Throwback Thursday (22) Travel (7) Treason (2) TV (14) Twitter (5) Vampires (1) Weather (2) Weird Shit (1) Women (19) Work (9) Writing (17) Yelp (1)

Saturday, June 21, 2014

They Can't All Be Winners

The number of times I say "why isn't this easier" should by now have learned me. It just isn't easy, okay? And I have got to quit whining about it. Other people are undergoing their own trials and tribulations and we have all got our crosses to bear. Today's wake-up this morning wasn't good, and by that I mean the anxiety set in immediately; my feel-good mantra's weren't working. So despite the beautiful weather and the calmness of the day all I did was lay in a porch chair dosed on Klonopin and feel sorry for myself. Today was not my proudest. I did all my "stuff," my routine. Exercise bike, walk. Though I couldn't face the sinkful of dishes. Just could not deal. Joey cleaned the kitchen because he's a rock star. I'm babbling because I'm out of sorts and I need a day to reassemble myself. Sorry guys, they can't all be winners.


What is rattling around in my mind, like a rat in a coffee can, is a thing I have to deal with; in therapy the other day I mentioned that I found a parallel between how I felt at home as a child and how I felt at work. Dismissed, ignored, unappreciated. That maybe the reason I was able to hang on and work in such a toxic environment for so many years (nine!) is that I had experience with the feelings and was able to function whilst having them. So when I lost my job, all these feelings came bubbling to the surface after being repressed all this time, and I wigged out.

Sorting all this out is going to take a long time. For one thing, the anxiety that it causes just thinking about it makes me quake. My therapist says I'm strong, and more than than, stronger than I think. How does she figure that? I spent today curled up in a fetal position on a porch chair. I don't feel strong today. I feel like I want to cry today.

I hate it when I have bad days on weekends, for Joe's sake. The poor guy can't catch a break.