Thursday, June 5, 2014

Outside and Inside Rain

It's raining outside, and it's raining in my head, and I'm afraid that no amount of deep breathing is going to help me today. I'm using all of the positive affirmation emails and blog comments from so many people, absorbing the words and taking them deep into my soul all to keep me bolstered with hope that anyone can get through depression.

As long as one keeps busy.

Despite the urge to go back to bed forever.

It's only 11:30am and I just want to go back to bed and stay there until...until what, that's the problem. Going back to bed does not solve anything, it only makes things worse, but that doesn't seem to matter when you're sad. The rain is just steady enough to make it unpleasant outside. Outside and inside are the same.

All the documentation I got in group therapy talks about "phone a friend" as one of the things to do, but even before the depression and anxiety, I was never one for phone calls. I never knew where my phone was half the time and used it primarily for work. Email, blog and Facebook are the ways I tend to keep in touch with people, and so it makes sense to me that I'm using those as tools more so than the phone call. I'd much rather have a warm, natural correspondence with someone than an awkward phone call, wouldn't you?

I'm just trying to keep from going back to bed. The pull is enormous. I don't think I can help it today, everyone. It's just too much, it's all just too much.