Thursday, June 19, 2014

This Morning

For some reason I wake up extremely anxious on the days when I see my therapist. I don't know why Maybe it's because this is a trip to the same facility, it's the one where I stay when I need to be hospitalized. Maybe it's because today it means I have to deal with shit. I don't do well when I get in there, I tend to clam up and say "fine" a lot, when she asks me gentle probing questions that I have no answers for, then I feel stupid for wasting everyone's time. Therapy sounds like it should be easy, but actually participating in therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever done. What do I say? Do I talk about my mother? My unresolved anger towards her? My love for her and deep respect for having raised babies when she was so young? My college years and having been kicked out for not having enough money to stay? Losing my job and the parallels I've found between my boss, my college and my mother? Where do I begin, how do you even do it? In an hour and a half I'll be sitting in the chair again with my anxiety ratcheting up and not knowing what to say. How do you fix a person in fifty minute time slots?

1 comment:

  1. Trust the process. I was so bad at therapy in the beginning. I didn't want to talk about me, I wanted to talk about science and studies and what exactly happens in your brain to make a person freak out and come unhinged. But slowly over the years I got better at it. Talking about hard things and my feelings and getting someone else's perspective on why I was feeling the way I was or acting the way I do. It takes a while and it's not a magic bullet but there are things we talk about that I remember much later on and reflect on and I think that's the point of therapy. At least in my experience. This is Amy by the way (mid). I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who has difficulty with therapy.