Thursday, June 26, 2014

Some Conversations

Some conversations come too early, some conversations come too late, and others never happen at all. I came dangerously close to remaining ignorant of what one conversation with my mom would reap, until I called her last night. I cried the whole time, but I believe this is what you call a breakthrough.

I cried because I spent so much of my childhood in and out of hospitals, alone. Mom said she should have spent more time in the hospital with me instead of leaving me. We talked about my anger issues over being treated differently in an Italian family because of being a girl, and she had gone through the same thing with her brothers. "Isn't it funny how that just happens," she said. But we mostly talked about letting go of the past and my anger, and starting a new relationship. "It's not too late, we can have a loving, new relationship." We both want it, and I cried for that, too.

She said she's been keeping in touch with Joey, and that's true, but she knew that until I was ready to talk about all of this, she had to give me my space. She's been through this before with me, and that's true, I wasted ten years icing her out and I'm sorry for that, so I cried about that, too.

She said don't worry about losing the job, that I was never cut out for corporate life anyway. "You're a writer and and artist, you need to be writing. Now come on, that job was not where you belong? Where's my girl? Fuck them." 

I cried because her husband got on the phone and said he loved me. I don't think I've ever heard him say that before. In fact I know I haven't, so I cried for that, too.

I cried myself empty and then I sat on the porch and thought about how to move on from here. I'll talk about it with my therapist today. Today I feel better than yesterday, which was a really anxious and sad day. I just couldn't function. I just wanted to sleep and make it all go away, until I called my mom.

Have the conversations that are hard. Just pick up the phone and dial the number and say "Mom, I miss you and I'm so sad." 

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