The Big Clench: Grateful Thru Anxiety

My stomach is constantly clenching and aching. I'm scared and anxious. But I'm trying not to fixate on the horror and instead be grateful. I am grateful for so many things. I am grateful that:

• I cook. 
• I cut my own hair, and Joe's hair too.
• I love where I live.
• We can still afford cable TV kinda.
• I married my best friend.

I cook.
We're living extremely lean because I haven't worked steadily in several years. Since I had my nervous breakdown in February 2014, I was no longer the higher earner in the household and we cut a lot out. No more eating out, no more ordering in, no fancy shopping excursions, none of that. I'd love to support local restaurants, but between being SO broke and my mental health, I've been cooking at home most of the time. It's rare to eat food that I haven't cooked. Thankful that preparing all our meals is no added hardship, I was already doing that.

I cut my own hair, and Joe's hair too.
I was lucky. All growing up my mom cut everyone's hair. Family, friends and actual paying customers. She did it in our kitchen and I hung around listening to adults talk. I swept up the hair. Whenever she had someone sitting in the chair, I could see what my mom was doing: dampening the comb, separating the head into sections with big clips, using two fingers to take small sections of hair and cut across or use upward snipping motions, depending. I've always kept a nice pair of scissors designed for hair cutting, I don't recommend using those big kitchen scissors, sewing shears or the kind used for crafts. Like anything else, get the right tool for the job. I don't expect everyone to be able to cut his or her own hair, but I can do it. Aside from once in college and once back in 2013, I've always cut it myself.  I prefer cutting my hair myself actually. I must acknowledge that my hair is particularly kind, so I consider it almost mistake-proof. My hair is easy. Joe's is easy, too. He's got long super-straight hair like Marcia Brady. Thankful that we are not missing "getting a haircut" because I was already cutting our hair at home anyway.

I love where I live. 
Our apartment is small by my mom's standards, but it's not as small as our old place. We love it here. It'll be ten years in November that we've lived here, and we absolutely tell each other how lucky we are on a regular basis. We have a baby grand piano that is not "in the way" whatsoever, so we must be okay for space, right? We have every kind of instrument including a drum kit. Two, actually, if you count the V-drums in Joe's studio. Just the fact that he has studio where he can go and make music, or just play video games. Amazingly I have my own space too, in what's considered "the sunroom" so that means my little studio has got tons of natural light. Each having our own space means we can have as much "alone time" as needed. We have hundreds of books, art books, art supplies, modeling clay, and lots of doll-making and sewing supplies. We have so many records and CDs, plus a Sonos where lots of those records and CDs are digitized. We have board games, jigsaw puzzles, and crossword puzzles and space to play. There's a chess game always set up on its own little chess table. Our kitchen is well-equipped for all kinds of cooking...mostly thanks to Joe's mom who gifts us appliances all the time. We have a back porch where we can sit and watch the birds, eat or play a game, have chats with neighbors on either side or downstairs. I am so, so grateful to love where I live that the depth of gratitude brings me to tears. Like I said, we have been living extremely lean because I haven't worked in a long time, so no outings to things like concerts, movies, plays or anything. Nothing is what we can afford and it's been this way for a long time. So I'm grateful that we're not missing "going out" because we were already staying home and entertaining ourselves anyway.

We can still afford cable TV kinda.
It's $200 per month for Xfinity TV and Internet, and for that astonishingly high dollar amount, we don't even get most of the movie channels. So I'm lost when people talk about anything on HBO or anything like that. We don't have Amazon Prime, either. But we do have really strong, fast Internet and with that we watch Netflix, Hulu, Shudder and now Joe's thinking about adding Britbox for $6.99/month. Interestingly we have not binge-watched a single thing in this whole six weeks since being locked down. But it's nice to have it, and are lucky that we can still kind of afford that $200 every month for basic service. It's too much, isn't it? Am I high or is it ridiculous that every household pays this much for cable and Internet?

I married my best friend.
This lockdown situation is a tough testing ground for relationships. But I love that Joe's working from home, and we're not sick of each other, and everything is good. That's the thing I'm most grateful for: my amazing husband. Going out to get us supplies (all masked up) and making me coffee every morning, singing praise for everything that I cook or prepare. When Joe doesn't know in advance what I'm making, he eats my food and goes, "I didn't even KNOW this is what I wanted!" Every soup is "the best one you've ever made" and sometimes he does a little happy dance in the kitchen. I mean...you guys, what? I'm so lucky. 

But even with all of this gratitude and amazing luck, I'm all clenched with disturbing bouts of anxiety, and depression. My stomach hurts and I have a headache. My psychiatrist increased my meds on our last telehealth call so we'll see if that helps. Since Joe's home, he gives me reassuring hugs all day long, which helps. Most of all I'm lucky to be on the right side of the grass for now. ∎

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I guess I say nothing, because what's the point?

I miss the library.

Just before I stopped leaving the house altogether, I went for a walk and ran into an older neighbor who told me he is "not buying into all the bullshit." He stood too close and he exhaled his cigarette smoke and he sneered and told me he's just coming home from giving his friend a ride somewhere, that he's not changing anything just because of some virus. He's not the only person that I know who is angrily objecting to the one thing being asked of us: to use an abundance of caution right now, which means to isolate at home so that we can all band together and kill this terrible bug. 

I understand that the lockdown protestors, especially the ones suiting up to apparently shoot someone (?) are frustrated and terrified. But are they not seeing the same updates that I'm seeing? 

link

"BOSTON (CBS) — There were 1,524 new coronavirus cases and 104 additional deaths reported Monday. The Massachusetts Department of Public Health said there have now been 56,462 total cases with 3,003 total deaths in the state.

A total of 244,887 people have been tested in Massachusetts, with 8,787 new tests announced in the last 24 hours.

As of Monday, 3,892 people are currently hospitalized for a coronavirus-related illness, which represents seven percent of all current cases in Massachusetts.

Middlesex County has the most cases with 12,953, followed by Suffolk County with 11,883 cases and Essex County with 7,708.

Long-term care facilities in Massachusetts have been significantly impacted by the coronavirus. A total of 10,635 residents and staff have tested positive. As of Monday, 1,698 residents in those facilities have died from the virus.

There are 8,455 cases among people under 30 years old, 25,937 cases are among people ages 30-59, 7,709 cases between people aged 60-69, and 14,071 cases in people over 70."

Two days ago my friend David posted a Facebook rant about the "bullshit" shelter-in-place advisory and he wrote "wake the fuck up" and called for revolt. Now there is a guy in my Twitter feed fighting everyone about masks, citing it's the mask that's causing him to not be able to breathe. He claimed to pass out while wearing one, and is declaring his liberties are under attack and he's going without food because he is "not allowed inside the grocery store." He also writes, "You are being lied to by media and have for for years. Patients are being treated wrong. There is a virus there always a viruses. It's how your immune systems works. Ventilators are killing people. Not the virus."

Get that? It's face masks and ventilators that actually killed fifty-thousand people, the virus is no problem whatsoever.

There's some incredibly dangerous, magical thinking out there. I don't even know what to say anymore. I guess I say nothing, because what's the point? ∎

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Mama and The Dude

When my mom first met Joe, during Christmas some years back (I honestly can't remember which year), she loved him right away. During the evening at one point, she took me aside and said "Have you ever seen The Big Lebowski?" I laughed and said yes, we'd seen it many times, it's a favorite. She proclaimed that Joe is the Dude, and that's what she started to call him. So now she'll say on the phone, "How's The Dude?" 

Every now and then, a random Dude-related package will show up from her. She sent him a doll, then one of those little plastic things with the big heads, what are they called? 

Today, just got this "Where's The Dude?" book. It's like Where's Waldo, but with cartoon Jeffrey Lebowski in one or another Dude outfits and you have to find him in a crowd of people. Each scene depicts a different movie scene, within which a hundred cool characters crowd the big double-page. There's a great one that's the restaurant scene in Kill Bill, the one with O Ren Ishii and the Crazy 88. So you'll be hunting for The Dude and you'll find Uma Thurman in her yellow superhero outfit. She's in there again too, in her Pulp Fiction persona, dancing with John Travolta. There are also many other cool things to find. You can spend an hour on one scene. It's delightful. What a goddamn perfect thing. Is my mom a fucking rock star or what? 

That was the same night my mom gave Joe a baby grand piano. The guy makes a great first impression. 

My mom had actually met Joe ever-so-briefly in 2002 when my intestine ruptured in Switzerland. He kind of remembers it. She stayed with me a week at home to help me recover, during which time, based solely on listening to my side of our numerous phone calls, my mom declared, "You're going to marry that guy." I thought she was insane. He did call a lot. 💓

My dude. Here's a pile of pictures.

 

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Out of an abundance of caution: In response to a Facebook rant

Yes, most if not all of us have been in contact with it already! Yet we are all putting up with this bullshit! WTF people wake the fuck up, we locked down stopped it's spread built our immunity so now it's time to get back at it! We have something called an immune system remember, if we didn't the human race wouldn't have survived for thousands and thousands and thousands of years! Notice, I didn't say, get the economy moving again, no because that i can give 2 shits about that, but what I do give a shit about is people's livelihoods and purpose, that is what I care about! Stop being cowards of fear and rise up as you profess Americans do, tell our elected officials, they for sure aren't our leaders, to stick it and let's leave our lockdown and get going!

PS, I'm not a Trump supporter, no not at all but I refuse to give up my freedoms cause some asshole told me too! Wake the fuck up all, step outside, mingle with your neighbors and start a revolution, you will be fine and all of us will be too! Let's go!

When the next objective is jump off a bridge to save someone else, I already see who will! I didn't say you had to agree, only said maybe perhaps you alt to consider what the powers that be are saying, and I won't back down and said it before that this thing ain't as contagious as they say and that I bet most of us have come in contact with it already and we are fine! I had a sore throat, runny nose and slight fever in January and l bet it was covit, I want a test for the antibodies and i bet I already have them and that is what this article is about so back the fuck up, if you don't agree so be it, i don't give a fuck! But I refuse to accept something cause someone told me too, if you don't like that then unfriended me, I can give two shits

Dear David,

I feel your aggression. I feel it hit my gut as Fear. I know you want to believe "most if not all of us" have "been in contact" with Covid-19, because that would mean that you've survived already. It would mean you won and there's no need to panic. You want to know that most of us are going to make it. Most of all you don't want to be alone. In your heart you know the truth: we will not all make it. I turned 50 on Tuesday. I wondered if that was my last birthday. I expect it might be. I know why you're angry, buddy. I really do. I know too why you wish "this thing ain't as contagious as they say." But you just said we'll all get it...either it's contagious as hell, or it's not contagious. Both things can't be true. I know you're casting about for another answer, any answer. But Dave, there is no question that many, many people are dying. 

I'm trying to save what's left of my sanity so I was avoiding the news for about a week. But all that did was delay me seeing the truth: how in that one week we went from 3000 dead to 7000, then another week to 20,000 and today it's over 50,000 dead. That's all in the last six weeks. It's still trending upward, and it's not flattening out yet. Experts waffle on the message and what we should do: wear a mask, do not wear a mask, go to church, go to the grocery store. The trend is still going up no matter what we try. More die every week. 

And now they're finding that It doesn't care how old you are, and It doesn't care what your job is, and you don't have immunity from getting it again. It's going to keep coming for your lungs, your heart and possibly some other organs. It's getting children. It's wiping out whole families. It even got some cats. Covid-19 might be an Extinction Event, and we don't know because we are only at the beginning of it and they don't know what It is. It gets on everything and It won't stop killing until it wears Itself right out. THAT'S why we're all on lockdown, Dave. Not because anyone wants to take away your freedom. It's so we don't all die. David, it is wiping us out, zone by zone, all over the whole world. The truth is that top scientific minds don't even know what it is, so THIS is what we are trying. Isolation may be our only weapon we have against the virus. Can you hang in with us, David. We need you.

What you're feeling is terror. That's what everyone is feeling. I can see why people are storming the nation's government with guns. This Covid-19 level of terror is why they've been keeping their guns by their beds all this time. They needed their guns to protect their homes and family. Now this deadly enemy has finally come roaring in like they always knew it would, and a gun is no use after all. But it's all they have and they want SOMEONE to do SOMETHING. They are angry and terrified.

You sound so angry I'm afraid you're going to storm off to join one of these protests. Please don't. You're literally risking your life. What are you protesting? An abundance of caution is all that is being asked of us. We've already failed the planet, failed our children and failed ourselves, must we also fail in doing this most possible thing: stay. the fuck. home. 

HOME is where you SHOULD be right now. Isn't Home what you've been fighting for since the dawn of man? Home is what it's all been about. Home is your one true freedom-washed, pristine den of do-whatever-the-heck-you-want while you're in here place. It's your castle, you're the king in your Home. Don't you wanna be where you're the king? Home is where you SHOULD be right now. Not at the bowling alley, not at the Cheesecake Factory. All that is being asked of us is to use an abundance of caution, and for most that includes staying home and finding ways to help each other through this. That's all we need to do, to go home and help each other hunker down so we can all band together to try to kill this bug. 

I know the helpless feeling where you want to threaten something, someone, anyone in order to be normal again. Trump supporters are showing the grasping desperation of a people who want to get back to 2016 when they could have voted for the email lady instead of this rolling shitshow. 

Back in 2016, this is exactly what we were afraid of, or something like it. It's the monster we've all been drawing, writing about, animating and putting on ice all these centuries. It's here. It's...Outside. I know you're tired of hearing it but: we need you to please Stay Inside. Just until it goes away. Don't be the people in horror movies that go galumphing out in a blaze of gory because they ran TOWARDS the monster.

I understand why you want to rage against something. But don't let it be your friends and family. Please, please don't go full-bore like this Offline, at anyone or anything. You're venting, and that's okay. But please just stay home and tell everyone to go home, be with your family. If you live alone, make yourselves into groups who check in on each other. This is the only time in my life you're going to hear me say this but: USE FACEBOOK. We let Zuckerdrag milk our very souls dry to make his life a super-special one, let's USE this Thing that we made to keep in touch with everyone: IT'S TIME TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH EVERYONE. GodDAMN you're making me support FACEBOOK. And also: Stop laughing at the Animal Crossing people, they're getting it right. We may have destroyed the real world worshiping our big fat old capitalist ball sacks, but we have cultivated this stupid digital one. Let's get our money's worth off this bitch. If you know a Friend who needs more Friends, tell them to Friend me, I'm pretty okay most of the time. I am heavily medicated. Let's meet in Facebook Groups and discuss side effects and how much we need to sleep. I have easy recipes that use potatoes.

David, I love you and I just don't want you to die. Please stay the fuck home. Out of an abundance of caution.

@SuperLowBudge

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Disinfectant. Injections.

“So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light and I think you said that hasn't been checked but you’re going to test it. And then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way... sounds interesting... And then I see the disinfectant where it knocks [the virus] out [from a surface] in a minute, one minute, and is there a way we can do something like that [by] injection inside or almost a cleaning, because you see it gets on the lungs and it does a tremendous number.”

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Out like a lamb my ass.

It's a fierce month of Marpril. It's the Eleventy-ninth of Marpril and the wind is blowing down trees and taking the siding off triple-deckahs in Allston Rock City.

It's been a rough month, kids.

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