The Big Clench: Grateful Thru Anxiety

My stomach is constantly clenching and aching. I'm scared and anxious. But I'm trying not to fixate on the horror and instead be grateful. I am grateful for so many things. I am grateful that:

• I cook. 
• I cut my own hair, and Joe's hair too.
• I love where I live.
• We can still afford cable TV kinda.
• I married my best friend.

I cook.
We're living extremely lean because I haven't worked steadily in several years. Since I had my nervous breakdown in February 2014, I was no longer the higher earner in the household and we cut a lot out. No more eating out, no more ordering in, no fancy shopping excursions, none of that. I'd love to support local restaurants, but between being SO broke and my mental health, I've been cooking at home most of the time. It's rare to eat food that I haven't cooked. Thankful that preparing all our meals is no added hardship, I was already doing that.

I cut my own hair, and Joe's hair too.
I was lucky. All growing up my mom cut everyone's hair. Family, friends and actual paying customers. She did it in our kitchen and I hung around listening to adults talk. I swept up the hair. Whenever she had someone sitting in the chair, I could see what my mom was doing: dampening the comb, separating the head into sections with big clips, using two fingers to take small sections of hair and cut across or use upward snipping motions, depending. I've always kept a nice pair of scissors designed for hair cutting, I don't recommend using those big kitchen scissors, sewing shears or the kind used for crafts. Like anything else, get the right tool for the job. I don't expect everyone to be able to cut his or her own hair, but I can do it. Aside from once in college and once back in 2013, I've always cut it myself.  I prefer cutting my hair myself actually. I must acknowledge that my hair is particularly kind, so I consider it almost mistake-proof. My hair is easy. Joe's is easy, too. He's got long super-straight hair like Marcia Brady. Thankful that we are not missing "getting a haircut" because I was already cutting our hair at home anyway.

I love where I live. 
Our apartment is small by my mom's standards, but it's not as small as our old place. We love it here. It'll be ten years in November that we've lived here, and we absolutely tell each other how lucky we are on a regular basis. We have a baby grand piano that is not "in the way" whatsoever, so we must be okay for space, right? We have every kind of instrument including a drum kit. Two, actually, if you count the V-drums in Joe's studio. Just the fact that he has studio where he can go and make music, or just play video games. Amazingly I have my own space too, in what's considered "the sunroom" so that means my little studio has got tons of natural light. Each having our own space means we can have as much "alone time" as needed. We have hundreds of books, art books, art supplies, modeling clay, and lots of doll-making and sewing supplies. We have so many records and CDs, plus a Sonos where lots of those records and CDs are digitized. We have board games, jigsaw puzzles, and crossword puzzles and space to play. There's a chess game always set up on its own little chess table. Our kitchen is well-equipped for all kinds of cooking...mostly thanks to Joe's mom who gifts us appliances all the time. We have a back porch where we can sit and watch the birds, eat or play a game, have chats with neighbors on either side or downstairs. I am so, so grateful to love where I live that the depth of gratitude brings me to tears. Like I said, we have been living extremely lean because I haven't worked in a long time, so no outings to things like concerts, movies, plays or anything. Nothing is what we can afford and it's been this way for a long time. So I'm grateful that we're not missing "going out" because we were already staying home and entertaining ourselves anyway.

We can still afford cable TV kinda.
It's $200 per month for Xfinity TV and Internet, and for that astonishingly high dollar amount, we don't even get most of the movie channels. So I'm lost when people talk about anything on HBO or anything like that. We don't have Amazon Prime, either. But we do have really strong, fast Internet and with that we watch Netflix, Hulu, Shudder and now Joe's thinking about adding Britbox for $6.99/month. Interestingly we have not binge-watched a single thing in this whole six weeks since being locked down. But it's nice to have it, and are lucky that we can still kind of afford that $200 every month for basic service. It's too much, isn't it? Am I high or is it ridiculous that every household pays this much for cable and Internet?

I married my best friend.
This lockdown situation is a tough testing ground for relationships. But I love that Joe's working from home, and we're not sick of each other, and everything is good. That's the thing I'm most grateful for: my amazing husband. Going out to get us supplies (all masked up) and making me coffee every morning, singing praise for everything that I cook or prepare. When Joe doesn't know in advance what I'm making, he eats my food and goes, "I didn't even KNOW this is what I wanted!" Every soup is "the best one you've ever made" and sometimes he does a little happy dance in the kitchen. I mean...you guys, what? I'm so lucky. 

But even with all of this gratitude and amazing luck, I'm all clenched with disturbing bouts of anxiety, and depression. My stomach hurts and I have a headache. My psychiatrist increased my meds on our last telehealth call so we'll see if that helps. Since Joe's home, he gives me reassuring hugs all day long, which helps. Most of all I'm lucky to be on the right side of the grass for now. ∎