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Monday, July 7, 2014

Having a Hard Time

I'm having a hard day. I'm pacing and upset. I went for a long walk but it didn't seem to help.

Joe has noticed a pattern that I can't argue with -- that whenever I break from the routine I have set up, which includes riding the recumbent exercise bike for thirty minutes and writing in my diary, then the next day or day after is a hard day.  Well I did break from my routine, thinking, oh it's a holiday weekend, let me enjoy it like a normal person and hang around and just "be." Not so much hard work.


How long will this go on? Today I didn't take an Ativan, it wasn't like that, it was more just a sense of impending doom and an inability to fight gravity. I mean, all I wanted to do was lay in the lounge chair on the porch and sleep again. I thought we were past this stage. I am so weary of this whole entire process.

Someone wrote yesterday that I should have compassion for myself. Right now all I feel is pity and self doubt again. I really thought we were past this stage. I guess I'm having a relapse, which is talked about in the DBT materials.

I guess I still have a lot of work to do. Sticking to the routine and not skipping days, for one thing. Studying the notes from group therapy and forcing myself out of the house.

Lot of work.