Joe has noticed a pattern that I can't argue with -- that whenever I break from the routine I have set up, which includes riding the recumbent exercise bike for thirty minutes and writing in my diary, then the next day or day after is a hard day. Well I did break from my routine, thinking, oh it's a holiday weekend, let me enjoy it like a normal person and hang around and just "be." Not so much hard work.
How long will this go on? Today I didn't take an Ativan, it wasn't like that, it was more just a sense of impending doom and an inability to fight gravity. I mean, all I wanted to do was lay in the lounge chair on the porch and sleep again. I thought we were past this stage. I am so weary of this whole entire process.
Someone wrote yesterday that I "should have compassion for myself." Right now all I feel is pity and self doubt. I really thought we were past this stage. I guess I'm having a relapse, which is talked about in the DBT materials.
I guess I still have a lot of work to do. Sticking to the routine and not skipping days, for one thing. Studying the notes from group therapy and forcing myself out of the house.
I don't know if I can do this. I don't know how people do this.