An Uneasy Glance Inside My Fraught Head: Nightmares

Thursday is normally when I see my psychotherapist, but this is a holiday week so instead I'll have to tell you guys about my nightmares. If you hate when people tell you their dreams, please click away. If you love picking part what dreams may mean, then you'll love this; it's about my recurring nightmares evolving and merging into one. I am plagued by two dream "themes." These aren't the only kind of dreams I have, but these two are frequent. When I'm in the nightmare, it's fucking terrifying. I think I need to ask my therapist about a different medication, one that can maybe give me some less terrifying nights.

My Two Recurring Nightmares

One of my recurring nightmare themes involves deadly water. Tidal waves, tsunami, raging floods, hurricanes, rising seas, crashing waves. It takes different forms, but there's one that keeps coming back. There's a shore, with a boardwalk and walkways. There's a sea wall, with a stairway on either side that people use to access the beach. In my nightmare, I'm on the beach when the sea suddenly turns from calm lapping to rising, churning and crashing against the sea wall, and I'm trapped by the rapidly rushing water, unable to clamber up and out because it's too powerful. I am pinned against the sea wall. Waves keep taking me under, and I'm trying to pull myself over to the stairs but finally I see that they've been washed away, leaving just a sandy slope that's being eroded by the pounding surf. It is impossible to get a grip on anything. People are around but they're a faceless, screaming clamor and nobody sees me going under. There have been nights when I'm drowning all night, and I wake up exhausted and tearful.

Another recurring nightmare is that I'm in a room that isn't mine, and it's filled with stuff...racks of clothing packed tight, so tight I can't tell what anything is (a coat? A dress?) until I pry it out from the racks. There's stacks too, and lots of boxes containing even more stuff. Sometimes the room is dark and I can barely see, just the light under the door and lots of voices carrying: I have to get out there but I can't because I don't have anything to wear. My dream-self keeps looking, pulling out item after item trying to find something to wear, and I'm panicked because outside the door there's a whole party of people waiting for me. It's dire that I get dressed and go out the door, but I can't find what I need. Sometimes the thing I'm looking for is my real-life bag and the little red wallet I wear that contains my ID, bank cards, library card etc. I need it or I can't leave the room. I can't find it, nothing fits me and I can't go out there naked. There've been nights when I feel like I'm frantically searching the room all night long, and I wake up exhausted and tearful.

Last Night

I dreamt I was in a room where people have been gathered together for some kind of event, and it's time to take a group photo. I look down and see that I'm wearing an unfamiliar outfit. The skirt is furry like a "fun fur" wardrobe item, and I like the way it looks. I have on some boots and a clingy top and my dream-self wonders where I got these strange items, and then dream-self remembers the dark room with all the clothes. I reason (in the dream) that I found something acceptable to wear even though it's unlike anything I own. Then my mother comes in and a person gathers us all...me, my mother and a bunch of other people...onto a long couch where we are to sit, and I come to realize we're about to get our picture taken. Then the person in charge says in a loud voice, "Not you, Michelle, could you move?" and I am sent from the room. My mother doesn't look at me. I leave the room and go outside, and I'm on the shore where there are walkways. The walkway I take goes over water down below and I think it's a nice place. On the path in front of me I see a dead sea creature of some kind, it's like a cross between a squid and a starfish. I go over to it and see that it's not dead, it's alive but barely. I decide I can save this creature, briefly wonder if it's safe to pick it up, but then I just pick it up. It's heavy, and feels dry to the touch. I need to get this creature back into the water, so I run with it and drop it over the side into the water down below. I keep walking, hoping the creature will be safe now. I find a pathway that leads to a sea wall, and there's a structure built on the ledge that juts out over the water. I enter, and that's when I notice that the water is starting to rise and crash against the structure. It's all glass and I think "Surely it must be strong enough to withstand..." and that's when I see a gargantuan tidal wave coming. There's no time to react before the massive wave overtakes the structure. The water rushes over the structure and for a minute, the windows hold, it's like looking into an aquarium because the structure is fully immersed in sea water. For some reason I look into the inky black water and look for the squid/starfish that I just saved, then all the windows crash through and I'm drowning. I woke up exhausted and tearful.🌊