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Sunday, July 6, 2014


It's an Ativan day. The panic set in early as a kind of paralysis over cleaning the apartment. The place is a mess and my mother is coming to visit me on Sunday. How can I help myself become the person who can keep a place clean and presentable? How did I used to do it? What demons in me right now are making it impossible to get certain things done, what's the blockage I'm experiencing? If I figure it out, I'll let you know. But it was an Ativan day.

Joey says mom isn't going to care about the clutter, she just wants to see me. But it's about more than that, it's about how I get paralyzed now over certain things like certain phone calls, official paperwork, cleaning.

It feels like the progress is two steps forward, one step back, all the time. Any progress I make from here will have to be overcoming this obstacle over cleaning. I can't just keep taking Ativan. I feel like it was just a wasted day and it's making me bummed out. I'm going to have a better tomorrow.