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Friday, July 11, 2014

Feeling So Low

I don't think this Zoloft is working, doc. I feel so low. It started to set in earlier in the week and now comes Friday and I feel like I'm made out of lead. I had high hopes for the Zoloft. Maybe I was putting too much stock in the label "anti-depressant." I've been doing the exercise bike, I've been going on my walks, I've been trying to write for my freelance assignment -- it's going okay, not great, but okay -- but I'm doing it all from such a low place. This stuff helps people?

I'm also anxious about my mother's upcoming visit. I just don't know what to do with them. They've never come here before and I feel like it will just be awkward. I know this sounds crazy to most of you with families that are close, but ours is a complicated relationship.

I'm incredibly worried about Joe. He snapped a few nights ago and went on a tirade, one that wasn't unexpected. He's been under tremendous pressure for six straight months over what's happened to me. He hasn't had a mental break since my psychotic episode, which came out of nowhere. I'm so worried about this damaging our relationship that I'm trying to hide my depression and pretend everything is fine, but he sees right through it. I just don't want to put more pressure on him. Today he said "Try to cheer yourself up," which sounds like telling a person with a broken leg to just fix it.

I'm feeling so down.

I've just eaten my breakfast. Next, I'm going to get dressed. Then, I'm going to the store to pick up some weekend supplies like bread and eggs. When I come back, I'm going to do the exercise bike. Then, I will take a shower. Then, I have to finish the writing for the freelance project. When it's time for lunch I'll make myself a turkey sandwich. At some point I'll go for my walk.

I'm working on things. I just wish...see every time I start a sentence with 'I just wish' I have to stop myself. This is how things are now, I can't turn back time and I can't wave a magic wand and make it all better. I'm just so weary of the hard work and the bad feelings. I just want to fall apart.

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