Here is just a sampling of the witticisms peppering my Facebook wall today. Because there is no telling who prefers anonymity, I left all of them anonymous. If you know who you are, and I like to think you will (see above reference to your sharp intellect) feel free to claim the quote in the comments section below. And yes, this is ALL IN ONE DAY!
"Just had someone email me 'By the way, what does BTW mean?'"
"Thai pop music makes me want to pull a double van Gogh. Oh, and the music videos. They all feature some chick staring forlornly at her mobile because a guy with an asymmetrical haircut isn't texting her, and then having a flashback to the time he gave her a giant teddy bear and they laughed and maybe held hands for a minute, and then we see haircut guy singing very emotively, and then there's a tear rolling down her face as she throws the teddy bear in the trash, and of course it all turns out to be a big misunderstanding and they live happily ever after with the salvaged teddy bear, you know? Christ, I hate that."
"I used to like lifting weights. Now, I just like Netflix."
(In response to a post that misspelled a key word in the most confusing possible way) "Either he means an "escrow" account, or there are now banks that let you put your money in snails."
"Last night at rehearsal my bandmate unpacked his amp and a MOTH flew out of the back of it! Hahahhah! I guess it HAD been quite a while since we had rehearsed!"
"I think NASCAR would be way more interesting if the drivers had to have their wives in the backseat."
"After tonight, I have decided that it's okay that I'm not fabulously wealthy, so long as I carry myself as if I am. But it's going to be tremendously difficult to pretend that I have both a "show kitchen" and a "catering kitchen.""
"If anyone is concerned it might rain and be cold and damp until the end of time, do not fret. I bought a rain coat today. I'm sure the rain will stop when the coat arrives in two days and then not return for months."
"A bar with a Wizard of Oz theme? There is nothing better. I bet it's full of straight people in jeans watching sports."