Archive: Writing

These are essays from the Diaryland Archive. Each opens in a new window.

2001

readingaboutwriting
...and I couldn't have done it without Mr. Coffee...

2000

Video meliora proboque; deteriora sequor

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to America: 2016 Edition

I am not suggesting that Douglas Adams was like some kind of prophet or anything like that. 'Cuz I, um, totally don't think that. That would be insane. *cough* Here's what I will say: If you already know where your towel is, then you're a cool frood and we can totally sass a Pan Galactic Gargleblaster sometime, dude, hey, let me know when you wanna hitch a ride with some Dentrassi, those guys don't give a wet slap about anything but food and drinks and having a good time.If you do not know where your towel is, well...

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Today in Portland

BusinessInsider.com

There wouldn't need to be a "policy" to tax CEOs who earn 100x that of their employees if the system worked the way it was supposed to work in the first place. I'm glad they're trying, but does anyone think this policy won't also have some crazy loophole?

These people say "loophole" like it's an Easter egg they happened across to level up in the game of life. Loopholes aren't GOOD things, you know. Loopholes are bad, and they are woven deliberately into the language when they write up the tax policy so that they can be exploited by the highest earners.

That happens, and we all let it. It's bullshit. There is plenty of money for feeding the hungry and sheltering the homeless. The system is set up so our combined pool of taxes lift the poor & unfortunate out of poverty as well as build our roads and schools. But the Romneys and Trumps of the world are gaming the system. Tax shelters are more important to these people than shelters for women and poor children. Until the same payroll tax that we all pay is applied to investment income above $250K, then the rest of us still don't have a fighting chance to get ahead here. But good try, Portland, I hope it works. I truly do. ∎

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THE PICKLE: Volume 1, Issue 2

In his wildly popular sci fi account chronicling the end of the world, Douglas Adams imagines a guidebook to the universe that is so massive it only exists in electronic form, you swipe a screen to access anything you want to know about the entire galaxy. This was 1978, you guys. We had vinyl and 8-track tapes, and the OS of my favorite toy was a light bulb. No, not the EasyBake Oven. Lite Bright — you can paint with light, motherf***er.

Lesser men than Adams have been called "Prophet." Respect.

You Can Panic Now

On the cover, in "large friendly letters," the guide said, "DON'T PANIC." In literary circles, it is understood that expression along these lines has the opposite effect. Essentially, Douglas Adams was saying, "Panic." It's like when you tell someone hysterical to "calm down."

In the guide, along with proving that God does not exist, are other helpful tips for navigating the galaxy, such as how to hitch a ride on a passing star ship and where to get laid while planet hopping on a budget. Also, Douglas Adams has something to say on the topic of dolphins.

Artwork by acidebetta

“Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing to punch footballs or whistle for titbits, so they eventually gave up and left the Earth by their own means shortly before the Vogons arrived.

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’, but in fact the message was this: So Long, and thanks for all the fish.”
 ― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Douglas Adams was writing about the Rapture. Consider "dolphin" as symbolic of intelligent, clever and generally well-liked creatures. Almost magical. Like David Bowie, for example. This isn't something you'll find in Cliffs Notes, but you can trust the stalwart Interpreters of Literature on this one — while you were outside sportsing, we were reading everything and talking about it over our inhalers and various collections of comic books, cards and action figures.

If Douglas Adams was a modern day prophet, it follows, then, that Donald Trump is the symptom of a growing sickness that's been festering since the 1980s. Fareed Zakaria delivered the message that, without an emergency Trumpectomy, the cancer would ultimately destroy democracy. Is it a coincidence that David Bowie died from cancer after an eighteen-month battle? 

Eighteen months from Trump announcing his toxic candidacy, the dolphins began to depart the planet. 

💥

Starman Hitches a Ride

ZIGGY GOES HOME! 

Soooo, mankind might have to come to terms with something right about now: The Rapture happened and we didn't make the cut. 2016 was the end of days. As existentialist philosopher Jean Paul Sarte famously opined, hell is other people. We are the "other people." 

Welcome to Hell

Sorry, dude. We tried. Wanna hang? Netflix 'n chill until the apocalypse? There's nothing you can do. I might as well try those hot Cheetos now. 

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

NBS News, Dec 28 2016

Related: The Hitchhiker's Guide to America (2016 Edition)

Related: Santa is a Klingon

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Sherbert or Sherbet?

Discuss.
@StarMarket

Update Jan 10, 2018:
It has come to my attention 
that I was at Stop n Shop 
when I took this photo, 
not Star.

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Merry Gen X'mas from our home to yours, y'all

Merry Christmas, everyone.
We put up a quick Joe Show.

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This year's Christmas card

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Losing Your Religion? Consider an Upgrade!

A Short Primer 

for the 

Spiritually Conflicted

If your thousands-of-years-old religion's definition of "decency" requires you hold hands in fellowship with others so you can hate better, as a group, then you will definitely encounter a great many problems navigating 21st century America. If you have been casting about for guidance out of the God quagmire, this primer is for you.

Despite mankind's tendency towards marginalizing ("othering") itself, in modern society this practice is beginning to look stupid, and even devout Christians are starting to question the "rightness" of hate in the name of God. The colloquial term for this emergent cognitive dawning is "woke." Though loud, the voices that continue demanding religion reigns over law are diminishing, leaving mostly red-faced zealots, con artists and madmen still preaching hellfire, beatings and jail for perfectly nice, normal people who are merely trying to live a decent life with friends and loved ones. Are humans evolving towards a new Enlightenment, or gradually reverting to a kind of merry Polytheism? The right answer may be somewhere in the middle. But there's an indisputable truth that even modern Christians are beginning to embrace: Decent human beings simply do not act like assholes in the name of God, or any gods.

Given the awkwardness, no one will hold it against you if you find yourself wondering whether or not you should upgrade your religion. To determine if upgrading is the right choice for you, ask yourself the following questions:

• What are the risks of keeping everything the same?
• But will upgrading solve my problems? 
• Do I know how to perform this upgrade?
• Is it worth it to replace parts?

1. What are the risks of keeping everything the same?

For this section. let's begin with an exercise. Try this exercise at home. Use extra space if necessary.

"Obsolete" 
Define it to Overcome it

How old is your phone? When did you get it? When you got that phone, what were your reasons for upgrading from your old phone? Ask each member of the group to provide three reasons why they felt they must get a new phone: 

• ＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿ 

• ＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿

• ＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿

If you put down "It was too old," that's a good start. If your phone is, say, five years old, your whole world is at risk of becoming obsolete, is it not? And when you got your new phone, ask yourself, did it come with a manual for the abacus, an ancient device Wikipedia suggests came into use in 500 BC? It does not. That would be silly, using such an old manual. Nothing in it applies, does it? Next, carefully compare and contrast the moral code you renew each day and defend with your very life against the reasons why you upgraded your phone...a device that didn't even exist when Generation X was born. You subscribe to a belief system that suggests, in an infinite universe spanning an infinite number of worlds on an impossible-to-know number of galaxies, that nothing has changed in *infinitaliauries [*See Gen X Anthology].

"But why upgrade?"

Because whether it's your phone or your bible, at some point that lifeline in your hand is, simply put, too old. What had once been ideal no longer works. Your friends can't connect with you anymore. The platforms you are accustomed to using are no longer supported, even by those who created them, and eventually your entire operating system will be rendered obsolete.

2. But will upgrading solve my problems?

If you find yourself becoming ashamed, embarrassed or outright appalled by the terrible way your peers treat people that do not attend your same exact house of worship, or do not live, act, talk or look just like you, then congratulations. Your conflicting feelings are the signal that your intelligence is intact. It means you're actually a decent person. Your heart, as they say, is in the right place. What do you do about it? You have several options.

If you're simply enduring the occasional pang of guilt for ostracizing members of your own family, friends and total strangers that have nothing whatsoever to do with you, and if you've run out of excuses to justify the behavior of your peers and leaders, then the problem can probably be solved by swapping out the components that no longer work.

Other issues have more complicated solutions that may extend further than a basic part swap can fix. For example, if the only reason you don't go around bashing people in the face with a beer mug is because there's a religious book that says not to do that, then it may be that you lack the necessary empathy for all living things, or you may have insufficient education, are gripped with some vague kind of general rage, or are experiencing a combination of all three. Solving this problem with an upgrade may not be possible. Professional help is strongly recommended.

3. Do I know how to perform this upgrade?

For this section, please refer to Chapter 4, Section B, Who Is This God Person, Anyway 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Upgrading may be as complex as finding another religion altogether, but it may also be simple given what parts of your bible you use to beat people over the head with; you may find it easier to upgrade in steps. You can retire the glaringly insane parts. For example, for the numerous Christian organizations currently still using a bible as their manual, retiring Leviticus and Deuteronomy may do the trick.
 [*See chapter 9: Actually That's Not Even The Bible.]

⚠ WARNING ⚠

If you become enraged 
when you hear "Happy holidays!"

then please do start small for your own safety and that of others in your community.
 

4. Is it worth it to replace parts? 

While selectively replacing obsolete parts of your church *creed may grant some peace of mind for now, note that you will still be a card-carrying member of a group that supports hateful name-calling, ostracizing, spitting on, beating and killing of fellow human beings who don't happen to be you. Always research a potential upgrade beforehand to determine if it's feasible given your family situation, where you are living, and your level of comfort with embracing a new belief system.

The question you need to ask yourself is this: will replacing parts take you far enough towards inner peace? You love God, and you've read your bible cover to cover, but you're pretty sure that a tragic mass murder at a gay nightclub isn't any kind of fulfilled prophecy. The Deuteronomy example referred to earlier makes for a good exercise, because this is the scripture that is widely interpreted (controversially) as condemning homosexuality.
[*See chapter 9: Actually That's Not Even The Bible.]
  

"Their wine is the poison of dragons, 

and the cruel venom of asps." 

(Deut. 32:33). 

But, soft! In recent centuries, the church has swapped out "dragons" for "serpents," lest anyone suspect that this is just a book written by well-meaning thinking people who were using the best information they had available to them in their time and place in history. So who did they ask before deciding that the "dragons" bit was what needed upgrading? Did they ask the cartographers who'd replaced "Here Be Dragons" on the map once they actually went there and found...no dragons? Next time there's a tweak to the language, probably to upgrade "serpents" to "snakes," perhaps it would be a good idea to consider taking some suggestions about one or two other changes. Perhaps your church has a suggestion box. Suggest that human sexuality is far more complex than "gay people are dragons."

Community Enrichment Exercises

• Teach your kids the "do unto others" bit. Ask each child to remember a time when they felt bullied, then discuss as a group what is the bully thinking when deliberately causing hurt to others? Talk about "decency."

• Push Commandments 2, and 5 through 10, as those are a great start for kids in terms of a general guideline on how to not be an asshole. Swap out 1, 3 and 4 for those "Goofus and Gallant" comics in Highlights Magazine. 

• Discuss with peers how the bible specifies the exact same punishment for eating bacon as it does for homosexuality. So next church breakfast, observe in a loud voice how odd it is that nobody is actually getting smote down into a slurry of pork and flannel, and maybe pass the maple syrup along with a mildly worded suggestion that you congregates all ease the hell up on the gays.

Give Yourself Time

You don't know how far back it goes since your family and community have been using _______________ (insert your church affiliation) as a virtue signal, irrespective of how many fellow human beings are getting marginalized and worse in the name of your church.
Intellectually you know that being _______________ (insert your church affiliation) is a personal lifestyle choice, not something that should be used as a cudgel with which to bludgeon 325 million other Americans into playing a massive national game of "Monkey See, Monkey Do" with you.

Put simply: you know that your religion is yours. You know that it feeds your soul. You know in your heart that you are lucky to live in a great nation of laws where you live free to practice openly and without fear of harm by others. Perhaps in your zeal, you may have forgotten that it is the law, and not your church, that grants you that freedom. You may have let slide in recent years that the same law applies to each and every human being in the country, including those who choose to opt out altogether. Freedom from religion, as noted by the late Frank Zappa, is an equally valid lifestyle.

You can't simply stop being _______________ (insert your church affiliation) overnight. You are so used to hating your neighbor by now that you can't figure out when you learned to act this way.

You Were Taught To Hate, But There's Hope

It's not your fault. You were taught to hate in the name of God and it is understandable that you are feeling uncertain and lost in a world that seems to have left God behind. But it didn't! It's just that your church is clinging to an antediluvian notion of what "God" means. Loving God is wonderful, please continue. but make it a priority to un-learn hate. You have plenty of support if you want to try. What if you're happier? What if more people seem to like you a lot better? What if you take down your self-imposed fence, talk to your neighbor and find out you have everything in common except the deity you were taught to worship, or your skin color or some other thing that happened to you arbitrarily based on happenstance of birth? The worst that could happen is you find out you still don't care for that guy, but for a real reason, like maybe he doesn't recycle or he introduced you by name personally to each of his Chia Pets, in which case, sure, build a real fence and keep an eye out for weird goings on next door. But the best thing could happen, too: fellowship, in the best sense of the word.∎

Area Photographer Plagued By Nightmares

"I guess I was absent the day Sister Eileen taught us God Hates Fags,"  
says local photographer, 
raised Catholic, name withheld out of fear of the blond kid in the red shirt.

[XCRPT]

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The Star Wars Holiday Special : Merry Gen X'mas

Long ago in a galaxy we 40-somethings refer to as "childhood," we built a cherry Kool-Aid world with rad high tech toys like Lite Brite, Etch-a-Sketch, and Slinky...a popular (*cheap*) birthday present. Imagine every one of us rug rats fighting over a toy you play with on the stairs. We made our own fun, too. Get a pair of tube socks and you could slide across the linoleum, or shuffle out some sweet static on the shag carpet. I'm sayin', a kid in 1970s America could make a pretty good time out of not-much, because we had a ton of not-much.

There wasn't much on TV either, so you watched your favorite shows, which aired weekly on specific nights. There was one TV and four channels, so there were fights over who got to pick until bedtime, then the adults watched boring shows (Dynasty, Flamingo Road) followed by the news, until the TV went off overnight. I don't mean the TV got turned off...I'm saying the broadcast transmitter shut down its signal and went to static until morning.

In our house we loved Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, The Dukes of Hazzard, Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk. Up until they started to air commercials for the Star Wars Holiday Special, we thought Battle of the Network Stars was the absolute peak awesome sauce of "special" programming. I mean I assume we went apeshit over the idea of a Star Wars special, but I can't verify, because personally, somehow I have no memory of seeing The Star Wars Holiday Special. I might have blocked it out. We'll come back to that later.

Life Day

The Star Wars Holiday Special takes place in a vague point along the Star Wars timeline, opening with the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon—Han Solo and Chewbacca are attempting to evade a garbage scow in a tense scene. Evasive maneuvers! It's a promising start, but the excitement is woefully betrayed by the next million minutes. There's musical numbers, comedy skits, and at one point there is an un-related cartoon for no reason.

The whole thing hinges on Chewbacca's plight of making it back home for the Wookie holiday. Back on the Wookie home planet his family waits for his return. There's his son Lumpy, and his grizzled father whose name, cringeworthily, is Itchy. His wife Malla is anxiously awaiting Chewbacca and the family bickers because of the tense situation. There are long...surprisingly long...spans of angst-ridden Wookie howling, which is the loudest kind of Wookie howling. It just keeps going on, while Malla urgently seeks news of the Millennium Falcon's whereabouts.

The Guest Stars

Art Carney, Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and Diahann Carroll. Put another way: who? Even my cool teenage cousins weren't old enough to know any of those people, which begs the question, "Who dafuq was this special for?" Kids, in theory, but in that case, they couldn't have gotten Wonder Woman or the Fonz at least so we'd have some joy of recognition? Performances include Bea Arthur (pre-Golden Girls!) as a bar owner who intones a ponderous ballad that lasts about a week. Harvey Korman does a few different skits, like one where Lumpy reads a technical manual and Korman appears to be acting out the instructions. What fun‒a dramatic reading...of instructions? Was this some sort of zany wacky fun for Grandpa? Although it could be suggested, with that skit, that Harvey Korman may have invented Max Headroom.

The Tech

Our shit was still analog in those days. Lest we forget. A Slinky is a coiled spring. Etch-a-Sketch let us scrape right-angles with magnets. And Lite Brite's entire operating system was a light bulb. In the Star Wars Holiday Special, there was great promise in the cool factor, like when Malla places video calls to Luke, Leia and Art Carney (okay?) to see if any of them had heard from Chewie or Han Solo, because they're still not home and it's almost Life Day. Kudos for the sci-fi, because video calls weren't a common thing  yet. But those scenes, as it turned out, were the only appearances of our beloved Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker and R2D2. I am sure my cool teenage cousins said "Aw maaaan! Rip off!" There's promise when we notice that Chewbacca's son Lumpy owns that cool hologram game table from Star Wars. You know, when they're heading to Alderaan and Chewie plays a game against R2D2, when C3P0 says  "Let the Wookie win, R2!" But Lumpy uses the game table to call up a hologram dance troupe, and they jump around for about a month. Bor. Ing. There's even a Virtual Reality visor.

〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷 

As kids we saw more cool tech in sci-fi and fantasy and the world has a lot of people to thank for today's devices. Most of which are used for porn. And I don't even mean guys like Steve Jobs. I mean the nerd herd who popularized this stuff, artists and writers like Bruce Vilanche. The Star Wars special showed us VR on November 17, 1978, with a Wookiee head-mounted display. And yes, of course it was used for a wack segment of Wookie space porn. The company that would later become Sun Microsystems would put out the first virtual reality(VR) products almost a decade later, in 1987, including head-mounted displays (HMDs)and data gloves.

〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷＿ ＿〷

The Space Porn

The award for Most Awkward guest performance goes to Diahann Carroll. Again, I looked it up to see where we kids might have known her from when the Star Wars special aired. According to my research, she was on Milton Berle. Again: WHO WAS THIS SPECIAL FOR? In her scene, Miz Carroll emerges from a kaleidoscopic field of light as a mermaid sex vixen, and all of this action appears inside the Virtual Reality visor worn by Chewbacca's dad while everyone waits for the Millennium Falcon to arrive for Life Day. What to say about this scene? It's pretty much soft space porn. Working a lotta bare shoulder action, mermaid sex vixen sighs and undulates and croons. She porn-whispers "I am your fantasy." The old ass Wookie grunts and moans in his special chair. She says, "I am your experience. So experience me." He seems to be doing just that. She says, "I am your pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity." She sings a song for about a million hours. And let me hit you with that again:

"This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity."

Dude, what.


The Mental Block

We would have given up our Reggie Bars for anything Star Wars-related, so I should remember the special. But I don't. Does anyone remember it? Maybe we were so sugar-torqued that we couldn't sit through all those loooong, boring guests. I know we definitely for suresville would not have sat through that softcore cyber booty scene with a mermaid lady and a old-ass Wookie. Our brains would have sent alarms and we'd be a streak of flammable pajamas racing away in a flurry of Hawaiian Punch and Cookie Crisp crumbs.

But now that we're older and we have more viewing options (and weed) the Star Wars Holiday Special is available on YouTube, and we'll probably stream it several times each and every holiday season. Have a Life Day party. Smoke it if it's legal, and have a happy Life Day! ⭐

Watch it on YouTube:

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It Was An "I Want Yule" Party

On Saturday afternoon, The I Want You opened for the Weisstronauts' annual holiday bash. Joe and I took the opportunity to host a lovely after party. An "after party" that starts around dinnertime? Perfect. These days, that is about my speed. That's not an "aging scenester" thing...yes, I'm aging but even when I was the right age to head out to someone's basement at 3am after band load-out, I didn't. I pretty much always wanted to go home and jettison my bra and let the silence supercede the deafening ring of rock and banter. I loved going out to rock shows, but my love affair with "silence" burns quietly eternal.

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It's "fuck this shit" out tonite

#brrr #myfacehurts #freezingmyballsoff

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There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. - Oscar Wilde

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Company Holiday Gathering

One of the great many benefits of a small company, especially a fierce little start-up, is the chance to make new friends. 

It's a perfect, awesome winter night in the North End. 

Cheers, y'all. 💝

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Santa Is A Klingon (Smile When You Bless The Gagh!)

Some are born dorks. Some achieve dorkness. Some have dorkness thrust upon them.

Today on Deep Space Nine (Netflix), Worf told everyone that the legendary Klingon warrior Kahless had said "Great men do not seek power, they have power thrust upon them." I yelled, "That was Shakespeare, mofo!" Then I messaged Joe this outrage. He was at work. So he said, "I'm gonna go find some lunch." What he meant by that is, "You're a huge dork." Later when I explained in greater detail, knowing that he wanted to hear the whole thing, with pictures and footnotes, he said "You're a huge dork," and then added "...but you're MY huge dork" and made me a cup of green tea. You guys. I should not be finger-wagging about a Klingon on this, the feast day of Saint Nicholas. That's like watching Rudolph and telling everyone that Santa is a tool. Okay, bad example. Rudolph. Santa is a tool in that.

Painting of St. Nicolas, our only Klingon Saint.
 

The figure of Saint Nick is said to have inspired the legend of Santa Claus and the legend of Krampus. 

A blend of Santa & Krampus is as Klingon as you can get.

 

Painting of Kahless the Unforgettable,
from the Memory Alpha Wiki.

Imagine a mythical race, fiercely honorable, loyal and ruthless. This is a people proud and strong, rigid about the line between right and wrong, a beastly nature quick to punish those who have acted badly, respectful and rewarding towards those who act with honor?

Yeah, that's a Klingon. Fa la la la la la, la la, la laaaggghhh! Today is a good day to diiiiie...!🎅


Related: Happy Saint Nick's Feast Day!

As an aside: I find lots of threads connecting the plays of William Shakespeare and the Star Trek universe. The Klingons aren't the only ones who pull from the bard, but they're certainly super duper good at it. Here's a little piece of fun for you...

Who Said It? The Klingon or the Bard?

1. "Great men do not seek power; they have power thrust upon them."

2. "If we are mark'd to die, we are enow to do our country loss; and if to live, the fewer men, the greater share of honor."

3. "Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

4. "Today is a good day to die."

5. "Go honor the valiant who die 'neath your sword, but pity the warrior who slays all his foes."

6. "By the doom of death end woes and all."

7. "You cannot loosen a man's tongue with root beer."

8.  "A man cannot make him laugh, but that’s no marvel -- he drinks no wine."

9. "Life every man holds dear, but the dear man holds honor far more precious dear than life."

10. "Honor is more important than life."

(Click here for Answers. How did you do?)

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Cheers

I usually feel too old for Refuge Cafe.
Every time I go in there I can't help but think of how it used to look as Herrell's, such an Allston landmark.
But the young barista made the hell out of a hot chocolate for me today.
This was like a hot fudgey milkshake.
Well done. 

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Hello Kitty

Neighbor kitty.

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Throwback Thursday: 1991

College of New Rochelle, New York

Someone sent me this photo. I'd never seen it, but I think it's the stage in Maura Ballroom.
I've got a vague recollection about being one of the students addressing some prospective freshmen,
or maybe it's an alumnae event.
I know it's not a party.
Those were my "not a party' flats and black velvet scrunchie.

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