Monday, April 24, 2017

Go Home, Amazon Targeting Algorithm, You're Drunk

#MaybeI'mTheOneWho'sDrunk #WhatDidIDoLastNight


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Cheap Chic: Neither/Nor

Yelp Review: Cheap Chic (Allston, MA)


This is Why I Hate The  #@$%#*@  Phone


______________

So tell me if you think this is weird.

On Tuesday (4/18/2017) I called Cheap Chic. "Hello!" I said to the woman who picked up. "My name is Michelle, I'm a local, I come to Cheap Chic all the time. The reason I'm calling is to ask if you guys could maybe bring your box of vinyl out from behind those shelves? Since Saturday is Record Store Day, I'm planning to walk around and shop for records. Yours used to be on a shelf at waist-level and people could just thumb through them. Now they're on the floor, behind those racks of old office equipment, and it's dusty and cramped back there. The records are hard to get to, so I thought if I called you could pull them out for Record Store Day...?" [Note: Yes, I burbled all that. This is why I hate the fuckin' phone.-md]

Saturday, April 22, 2017

#Isn'tSpringFreshAlreadyADouche

These kicks look like they'll summon the ghost of Mel Torme to sing to me on a dais.
 #HeLikesWhatIDo #TheseAreJimmysTrainingShoes #1990sTVReferences #JimmyCouldntJumpAtAllBefore #TheyrePlyometric 


Friday, April 21, 2017

47 Trips Around the Sun: Five Things I'm Sure About


1. Comedians With Guitars


Hey Demitri, Birbigs, that guy, and that other guy. You know who you are. So, I've given it literally dozens of chances, but I'm afraid it's a no from me, dawg. I love your acts, but at the end, when you reach for that guitar, my brain goes, "Noooooooo!" I think the trick is that the acts who present as "musical with a comedic edge" like Tenacious D or Weird Al ‒ those actually do work. But you're a stand-up comedian. That's your core competence. So when you do a whole set, you get us to go along with your narrative, we're digging your stories, your cadence, your timing. Then you pick up that guitar, and everything grinds to a halt. I'm talking smoking skidmarks. Why the guitar? A minute ago, you had us, and now, you're just telling micro-stories in a distractingly stilted manner, while you accompany yourself strumming that same little run, over and over again, and then sometimes, for no discernible artistic reason, you just carol out a random word. It makes me want to punch all the arpeggiated chords in the world. I'm not saying I won't still like you. I'm only suggesting that I'm probably not the only fan of yours who is fast-forwarding through that part of your comedy special.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

47 Trips Around the Sun: An Observed Life

Two Aprils ago, on my 45th birthday, I penned a semi-serious list of 45 Things I Know as a way to commemorate the occasion. People seemed to like it. I suspect the reason why that particular essay was met with such unilateral applause is that most of my friends assumed I'd be dead by now.* 

The thing about writers is that we live an observed life. I have whole scenes in my head, as do most writers I presume, that vividly recall events both major and insanely minor. In these scenes, I often see myself, and hear my own voice supporting these visuals with mental notes. It's about the way a writer's mind experiences everything ‒ noticing, probing, capturing textural details, mentally applying a narrative moment-to-moment and making sensory connections from this moment to others, in the past, placing a tab to come back to later when another, related experience happens. Novelist Anne Tyler worked this phenomenon into her book, Saint Maybe, one of my favorites of hers. When we meet Ian Bedloe for the first time, he's in high school. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

My birthday is Friday.
I thought I'd be dead by now.
 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Friday, April 14, 2017

If You're Not Following Cher, You're Twittering Wrong

I love Cher. I love that sonorous voice. I love her brass balls attitude. I love her in every movie she's ever been in, especially The Witches of Eastwick. I love Cher so much that I even love total strangers who also love Cher.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I Don't Get It...

What...is this?


Thursday, April 6, 2017

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