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Friday, May 18, 2012

Intern-al Medicine

Hello new interns...

OK guys, thing number one for your first week here. If an email in your in-box is from me, please do not ignore it or delete it. Please do the following four things:

1) Read it
2) Understand it
3) Do everything it says to do
4) Come to me with questions

It's now 6pm on Friday the 18th, and Moe is the only one who turned in his folder -- the folder that I clearly requested be returned to me by the end of the day today. The only problem, Moe, is that you didn't actually fill out any of the forms inside the folder, which means you may as well have left it at home like Larry and Curly did. You pretty much just...showed me the same folder I gave you. Thank you for showing it to me, but I've seen this folder before, namely when I assembled its contents and handed it to you five days ago. If it's okay with you I will put it back on your desk and hopefully next time I see this same folder again, the forms inside will look different. There will be handwriting in ink forming words and numbers and all kinds of exciting things. Draw a pony in the margin, I don't care, I just need the forms.

Let's try this one more time, with feeling: Monday the 21st is when I need to submit payroll to the paycheck company. In order to do so, I need at a minimum the I-9 and W-4 forms. This is the paperwork required for every employee legally working in the United States, unless you're doling out Dixie cups at a lemonade stand, mowing lawns or babysitting. The information requested on these forms is the very information we "enter into the system," so when I told you on your first day that I would "enter you into the system" I should have been clearer: without the information on these forms, "entering you into the system" is quite the meaningless endeavor. One day we will all have bar codes emblazoned on our necks coded with everything from shoe size to food allergies and I can SCAN you into the system with a wand of some kind like on Star Trek, but for now, our hapless government still requires completing a bunch of forms (you) and clacking at a keyboard (me) in order to pay you.

Hopefully you understand:
Bar codes = future.

I know, it isn't always fun. I am old and when I was your age and old people talked about "the future" it used to come with promises of jet packs. Where's my jet pack.

Now it's up to you. If you complete the forms inside your folders, specifically the I-9 and the W4, and have them on my desk by 10am Monday, I will then enter you into the system (see note, re: lack of neck bar codes), so that I can then do payroll, and so that your three checks will be among the pay checks that arrive here on Wednesday, so that you can have them on Friday, cash them and have a grand old weekend of decadence and debauchery. *Without* these forms, you can certainly stay here and work, but that will have a negative impact on the decadence if not the debauchery.

Capish? Ten am Monday. Forms. My desk.

Have a nice weekend,